Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 7, 2000 - June 13, 2000 | Issue 36•21

Account Manager Fondly Remembers Day In College When Everyone Hung Out On Roof

MINNEAPOLIS–At a Monday meeting concerning second-quarter double-sided-tape sales, 3M account manager Rick Belbol fondly recalled the day he and his college roommates spent the day hanging out on the roof of their house. "You know what this weather always reminds me of?" Belbol, 28, said to a group of account managers and coordinators. "This great day when me and a...

Blue Line Jumps 11 Percent

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | News

NEW YORK–Excitement swept the financial world Monday, when a blue line jumped more than 11 percent, passing four black horizontal lines as it rose... more»
Ant Farm Teaches Children About Toil, Death

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | News

PASADENA, CA—The new Playscovery Cove Ant Village is an interactive way to teach children about toil and inescapable death. more»
Area Man Really Wants To Like The Marx Brothers

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | News

AUSTIN, TX–Despite repeated attempts to gain an appreciation of the legendary comedy team, area graphic designer Craig Logan confessed Monday that... more»
New Resort Community Still Trying To Think Of Name

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | News In Brief

CLEARWATER, FL–Residents of the just-opened 200-acre gated resort community occupying Lot 643 of Pinellas County are still unable to agree on a... more»
Goodwill Employees Shaken By Gigantic Pants

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | News In Brief

LUBBOCK, TX–Goodwill workers Pam Stearns and Lydia Rutt were severely shaken by a pair of mammoth men's pants retrieved from the store's donation... more»
SNL Audience Moved To Tears By Soulful, End-Of-Episode Piano Music

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–The 296 members of the Saturday Night Live studio audience were moved to tears in the show's closing minutes Saturday by soulful,... more»
Lanthanum Quits Periodic Table Of Elements

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | News In Brief

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN–The world of chemistry was shaken Monday by lanthanum's announcement that the popular 57th element will quit Transition Group... more»
Bus Passenger Stops Trying To Enjoy Kansas Scenery

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | News In Brief

WALKER, KS–After several hundred miles of trying, Greyhound bus passenger Ed Costa finally aborted his attempt to enjoy the Kansas scenery Monday.... more»
Spouse Under Fire For Telling Anecdote Wrong

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | News In Brief

FLORENCE, SC–Allegations of improper vacation-anecdote-recounting were leveled Monday against area spouse Maria Courtnall. "Honey, you got it wrong... more»
Backstreet Boys Become Backstreet Men In Backstreet Ritual

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | News In Photos
Ramen Master Defeated By New Kung-Pao Style

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | News In Photos
The First Rule Of The Quilting Society Is You Don't Talk About The Quilting Society

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | Commentary

Afternoon, ladies. Most of you know why you're here. You know what secret longings draw you, week after week, to this bright and tastefully appointed... more»
I Am Sick And Tired Of The Same Old Burger

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | Commentary

I'm a busy, on-the-go kind of guy who doesn't always have time for a fancy sit-down meal. So about 10 or 11 times a week, it's McDonald's, Burger... more»
Do Not Be Cross With Me, Sweet Lillian

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | Columnists

From The Death-Bed Of T. Herman Zweibel, The Zweibel Estate. more»
Horoscope for the week of June 7, 2000

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | Horoscopes

Your purpose in life will be discovered this week when your oddly shaped body slides easily into the circus cannon. more»
The NRA Restaurant

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | Infographic

Last week, the NRA unveiled plans for NRA SportsBlast, a theme restaurant in New York City's Time Square. What are some of the eatery's features? more»
Who Can Possibly Save Us Now?

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | Statshot
MIA Remains In North Korea

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | What Do You Think?

U.S. and North Korean officials are meeting in Kuala Lumpur this week to discuss efforts to recover the remains of 8,000 American soldiers missing in... more»
On TV Tonight

issue 3621 | 06.07.00 | On TV Tonight

8:00 9:00 10:00 CHANNEL Fox When Rabid Wolves Are Set On Fire In Nurseries When Heads Crack Open And You Can See The Brains All Coming Out When Stuntmen Are Shot From Cannons And Land On Spikes Lifetime Tumor Baby II: The Heartbreaking Addicted To Scope Cancer Is Just A Word The Judith Light Story—Starring Lindsay Wagner GameShow Excruciating Pantsuit Challenge Guess Rip Taylor's Sexual Orientation The Creepy Man- Wife -And- Secretary Show Bob Barker Back When Life Held Some Appeal BET It Takes A Budget Of Millions To Make This Crap Stereotype Hotel Blizack Nizews Bitch, Nigga, Shit, Fuck, Pussy, Dick, Asshole, Motherfucker Bleeped-Out Comedy Hour Sci-Fi Kickin' It With Harlan Ellison Bad CGI Force Mystery Science Theater 3000: Quest Of The Delta Knights Quest Of The Delta Knights AnimalPlanet Testing Animals' Patience The Crocodile Botherer Does It Bite? Wounded Pets And Their Hysterical Owners TBN Quiet Reflection And Prayer Time Panty Beach No! This Must Be Quiet Reflection And Prayer Time! Panty Beach Get There Behind Me, Satan! Remove Thy Presence From TBN's Quiet Reflection And Prayer Time! Panty Beach ComedyCentral Mannequin 2: On The Move Watch Ben Stein Smirk The Six- Times-Daily Show Mannequin 2: On The Move FoodNetwork This Week In Chutney The Torte Report How To Eat VH1 Mr. Mister: Where Were They Then? Crosby Stills Nash Young Telemundo La Pregunta De 64,000 Pesos Muchas Problemas Tres Mujeres Calientes ¡Pedro Es Gordo! NashvilleNetwork Uncle Dad Gettin' The Sinks Out Yer Yard You Call That A Dog? Countin' With Clem Jes' Sittin' On This Here Empty Oil Drum ESPN2 Cinderblock Hanging From Your Neck Decathalong Quarterfinals From Reykjavik Championship Shit-Hauling Death-Rink Rodeo Malaysian Stick-Pummeling Semifinals