Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 21, 2000 - June 27, 2000 | Issue 36•23

Eight-Pound Man Removed From Woman's Vagina

ALBUQUERQUE, NM–In a bizarre case that has baffled medical professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veterans Memorial Hospital removed a living eight-pound man from the confines of an area woman's vagina Monday. The unusually small man, who has refused t...

Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News

BURUNDI—The beef council, which offers beef recipes and tips on low-fat cooking, made a desperate plea Monday for any beef whatsoever. more»
Republicans Back Universal Lawn-Care Bill

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Seeking to make "comprehensive, high-quality lawn and garden care accessible to all Americans," a coalition of House Republicans... more»
Local Celebrity Cracks Under Stress Of Local Fame

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News

WAUWATONKA, WI–Unable to cope with the mounting pressures of local fame, local celebrity Randall "Herch" Herchwick, 51, shocked residents of this... more»
Area Applebee's A Hotbed Of Machiavellian Political Maneuvering

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News

HARTFORD, CT–The site of a complex, ever-shifting web of alliances among servers, line cooks, hostesses, dishwashers, and managers, the Sheridan... more»
Roommate Never Seems To Leave Apartment

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News In Brief

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA–Paul Shermer noted Monday that Ed Twilley, his roommate of eight months, appears to spend every moment of his life in the... more»
Self-Described Avid Reader Halfway Through Dragonriders Of Pern For Sixth Time

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News In Brief

ALLENTOWN, PA–"Serious bookworm" Angela Goodwin is reportedly halfway through her sixth reading of Anne McCaffrey's fantasy series The... more»
Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breakup

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News In Brief

HOUSTON–Anticipating an imminent break-up with girlfriend Mindy Huhn, Derek Haskell, 24, deliberately scheduled a final romantic evening Sunday for... more»
83rd Birthday Party Stretches Definition Of Party

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News In Brief

JACKSON, MI–An 83rd birthday party for Hilldale Nursing Home resident Abraham Porter stretched the definition of the word "party" Monday. "Yes,... more»
Hair Dyed Back To Original Color

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News In Brief

TULSA, OK–After three months as a redhead, area resident Natalie Rice dyed her hair back to its original brown Monday. "I decided I wanted to go... more»
Acne Medication May Cause Dizziness, Nausea, Loss Of Hearing, Insomnia, Blood Clotting, Difficulty Breathing

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News In Brief

RAMAPO, NJ–Dermalon, a new acne medication from Ramapo-based Franklin Laboratories, may cause a host of serious complications, a TV commercial for... more»
Art Object Purchased At Office Depot

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News In Photos
Optimist Half Full Of Shit

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | News In Photos
Is This A Garage Sale Or A Sick Joke?

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | Commentary

Just what exactly is going on here? The cardboard sign out front said "Garage Sale," so when I pulled up and parked, I naturally assumed that I would... more»
My Summer Reading List

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | Columnists

Another swampish July will soon be upon us, bringing with it the promise of sweltering heat, golden pitchers of ice-cold lemon-ade administered to me... more»
The Greatest Movie Ever Told

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | Columnists

Hola amigos. Que pasa with you? Me, I've been pretty damn good. It's summer, my car is running, and the ladies are fine. Sometimes you can't ask for... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 21, 2000

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | Horoscopes

Although your life has been uneventful up until now, there is something special in store for Aries. more»
Survivor Mania

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | Infographic

Survivor, CBS's reality-based castaway series, is a smash hit, beating Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? in the ratings. Why are people so... more»
Where Does Daddy Keep His Gun?

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | Statshot
Wall Street And The Mob

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the FBI arrested 120 members of New York crime families, breaking up a massive securities scam that combined old-school Mob violence with... more»
Camping Tips

issue 3623 | 06.21.00 | Tips

Summer is just around the corner, and that means it's almost time for fun in the great outdoors. Here are some tips to make your next camping trip... more»