Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 19, 2000 - July 25, 2000 | Issue 36•24

Dedicated Student Cartoonist Takes On Campus Issues

AUBURN, NY–Some people in the public eye shy away from controversy. Not Cayuga State College cartoonist T. Eric Mayhew, a man who, for the past two years, has fearlessly taken on the most volatile of campus issues, unafraid of the personal consequences his hard-hitting, muckraking cartoons might bring. Mayhew's goal in cartooning, he says, is simple: to get to the...

Employee Of The Month Sad It's Already The 19th

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | News

FRANKLIN, TN—Jen Hervey, a Target employee, expressed dismay over the rapidly approaching end to her reign. more»
Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | News

WEST JORDAN, UT–The pious calm of this peaceful Mormon enclave on the Great Salt Lake was shattered Monday, when, in what local church authorities... more»
L.A. Efficiency Chosen As Site Of 2000 Libertarian Convention

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | News

LOS ANGELES–Libertarian Party officials announced Monday that their 2000 National Convention will be held August 18–20 in an efficiency... more»
Malignant Tumor Sees Every Day As Gift From God

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | News

MUNCIE, IN–On July 12, the cancerous growth imbedded in the brain tissue of Warren Lenders got the news no tumor ever wants to hear: chemotherapy.... more»
Secretary Pretty Sure Vending-Machine Guy Is That Uncaptured Serial Rapist

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | News In Brief

MONROE, MI–Midwest Heating & Air Conditioning secretary Liz Boorstein said Monday she is "almost positive" that the United Vending Services worker... more»
Man Watching Cleopatra 2525 Has No Time To Read

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | News In Brief

MCALESTER, OK–Despite his great love of literature, Cleopatra 2525 viewer Kenneth Washburn doesn't have time to read, the 33-year-old... more»
Local Play Well-Attended By Friends, Family

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | News In Brief

WOONSOCKET, RI–The Woonsocket Community Players' summer production of The Music Man drew 200 friends and relatives of the cast to the... more»
Trouble Again In TV's Africa

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | News In Brief

ATLANTA–Once again, trouble is brewing in TV's Africa, it was reported Monday on CNN, the network that airs the long-running continent. "In last... more»
Leather-Jacketed Congressman Makes Up His Own Rules

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–U.S. Rep. Vinnie Abruzzo (I-NY), the greasy-haired, leather-jacketed legislator who joined Congress in January 1999, is fast earning... more»
Safety-Conscious Senior Locks Screen Door

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | News In Photos
NASA Delays Shuttle Launch Out Of Sheer Habit

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | News In Photos
Dressing Up Your Dog As Boba Fett Is Something You Have To Devote A Weekend To

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | Columnists

I've always thought of myself as a creative guy. Whenever my friends in the Star Wars novel-reading club schedule a Sunday-night Star... more»
It's Time For Summer Blockbuster Movie Magic!

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | Columnists

Whassssuuuuup!!!! For those of you unfamiliar with the TV commercial, you should imagine me waggling my tongue comically right now. It's very... more»
What I Did During My Vacation

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | Columnists

July is the cruelest month for T. Herman Zweibel. My regular summer sabbatical usually falls during that month, and I find my-self as idle as a... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 19, 2000

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | Horoscopes

Perhaps next time someone asks you if you'd like a knuckle sandwich, you should simply answer, "No, thank you." more»
America's Obese Children

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | Infographic

Nearly 25 percent of the U.S. children are obese–a 50 percent rise since 1970. What is the government doing to combat this health epidemic? more»
Most Frequently Uttered Phrases At 5 A.M.

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | Statshot
The Dot-Com Fallout

issue 3624 | 07.19.00 | What Do You Think?

The darlings of Wall Street until March of this year, dot-com companies have fallen on hard times, with countless Internet businesses going belly-up... more»