Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 26, 2000 - August 1, 2000 | Issue 36•25

Parents Of 80-Pound Toddler Lapping Up Publicity

DALTON, GA–At first glance, Angela and Travis Rohner appear to be your average couple. Married for 13 years, these high-school sweethearts have lived their entire lives in Dalton, where Travis works as a parking-garage attendant and Angela is a cashier at the local Wal-Mart. But the Rohners are far from average. They have something that makes them very special,...

Bush Reluctantly Accepts Donation From Parents

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | News

DEL MAR, CA–Despite strong personal reservations, Republican presidential contender George W. Bush confirmed Monday that he has "reluctantly"... more»
Harry Potter Books Spark Rise In Satanism Among Children

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | News

LOCK HAVEN, PA—Ashley Daniels is as close as you can get to your typical 9-year-old American girl. A third-grader at Lock Haven Elementary... more»
Ad-Agency Print Buyer Can't Believe They Want To Add A Perf This Late In The Game

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | News

LINCOLN, NE–Milt Olberding, a print buyer with L&G Advertising, expressed disbelief Tuesday that Capital City Chrysler owner William "Biff"... more»
Area Man Unsure Whether He's On Right Bus For Most Of Trip

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | News In Brief

BARABOO, WI–Chicago resident Joe Mendenhall, nearly four hours into a seven-hour bus trip he hopes is to Minneapolis, is experiencing serious... more»
Terminally Ill Friend Not Much Fun Anymore

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | News In Brief

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ–Edward DuBrow, diagnosed with terminal leukemia on July 11, is not much fun to hang around with anymore, friends of the East... more»
Mathematician Has Popular Equation Stuck In Head All Day

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | News In Brief

CAMBRIDGE, MA–MIT mathematics professor Dr. Charles J. Chang has had the Pythagorean Theorem, a popular mathematical equation, running through his... more»
Dad Finally Found In Front Of TVs At Sears

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | News In Brief

MENTOR, OH–A 24-minute, 10-store dadhunt came to an end Monday, when area father Warren Osmund was found in front of the wall of TV sets in the... more»
War Talks Begin At Camp Goliath

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | News In Brief

THURMONT, MD–Unable to reach an accord after two weeks of peace talks at Camp David, Palestinian and Israeli leaders moved to Camp Goliath Monday... more»
Auto Industry Agrees To Install Brakes In SUVs

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | News In Photos
Standard Deviation Not Enough For Perverted Statistician

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | News In Photos
Welcome To T.G.I. Fridays! May I Annoy The Living Shit Out Of You?

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | Commentary

Hi, welcome to T.G.I. Fridays! May I annoy the living shit out of you? My name is Jenni, and I'll be your incredibly irritating server tonight! So,... more»
You Are Now For Sale

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | Columnists

As you leaden-pated slow-coaches are too thick to realize that running a multi-tentacled news-paper empire takes an iron will and a strong stomach.... more»
What Y'all Heard About Tha CPA Convention Be LIES

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | Columnists

Yo, peep this: I know all y'all wanna hear about tha mad bugged-out shit that went down at tha annual Monroe County CPA Convention from July 14-16 at... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 26, 2000

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | Horoscopes

Come on, now: Are you really going to let some silly trio of colored lights tell you how to drive your car? more»
The Queen Mum's 100th

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | Infographic

On August 4, the Queen Mother turns 100. How will the beloved British royal's birthday be celebrated? more»
Remaining Unregistered Internet Domain Names

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | Statshot

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America's Air-Traffic Jam

issue 3625 | 07.26.00 | What Do You Think?

Despite FAA efforts to improve the nation's air-traffic-control system, flight delays and cancellations are at an all-time high. What do you... more»