Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 2, 2000 - August 8, 2000 | Issue 36•26

Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had

INDIANAPOLIS–Despite assuming that he had lost every last possible ounce of hope long ago, area office-supply coordinator Bob Dempsey, 31, was surprised to discover Monday that he did, in fact, possess one tiny additional shred of hope, which he subsequently lost. "Contrary to the belief of coworkers, neighbors, distant relatives, and Mr. Dempsey himself, this...

Hershey's Ordered To Pay Obese Americans $135 Billion

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | News

HERSHEY, PA—This product-liability verdict sends a clear message to Big Chocolate. more»
Copycat Killing 'Misses Subtleties Of Original,' Say Police

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | News

BRONX, NY–A young couple was found ritualistically murdered in Crotona Park early Monday in what police are calling a "copycat crime that lacks the... more»
Small Town's 'Cryptosporidium Daze' Fails To Attract Visitors

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | News

BLAKELY, GA–Blakely civic leaders were baffled last weekend as Cryptosporidium Daze, their elaborately planned summer festival celebrating the... more»
Grandma At Mechanic To Get Radio Stations Set

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | News In Brief

MANCHESTER, NH–Area grandma Betty Zall, 81, took her 1985 Buick LeSabre to the mechanic Tuesday, paying $55 to have the buttons on its radio... more»
Texas Sheriff Cracks Down On Chicken-On-Chicken Violence

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | News In Brief

AMARILLO, TX–Determined to break the deadly cycle of chicken-on-chicken violence, Amarillo Sheriff James Braddock is targeting cockfighting... more»
Everyone Glad Someone Else Making Small Talk With Disabled Woman

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | News In Brief

SAN ANTONIO, TX–A palpable sense of relief came over passengers on the westbound D-line bus Monday when someone else struck up a conversation with... more»
Area Father Takes One More Look At Liner Notes Of Daughter's Britney Spears Album

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | News In Brief

JEFFERSON CITY, MO–Marv Reynolds, 42, father of 11-year-old Ashley, slipped into his daughter's bedroom for one more look at the liner notes to her... more»
Clinton To Get Teeth Cleaning, Glasses Before Coverage Runs Out

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–With less than six months remaining in his second term, President Clinton made appointments Monday for dental and optometry... more»
Federal Reserve Vice-Chairman Roger Ferguson: Hot Or Not?

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | News In Photos
Drunk Man Staring At IHOP Syrups

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | News In Photos
In My Day, Ballplayers Were For Shit

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | Commentary

It seems everywhere I go these days, some young fella's jibber-jabbering about how great some ballplayer of today is. It's always Mark McGwire this... more»
Old Folks At Home

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | Columnists

Long life is the ardent desire of many. Indeed, some of you may achieve it, as I have. But once you find your-self out-living your pet Galapagos... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 2, 2000

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | Horoscopes

You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation. more»
15 Years Of Kathie Lee

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | Infographic

Last Friday, after 15 years, Kathie Lee Gifford did her final Live! With Regis & Kathie Lee. What have been some of the show's highlights over... more»
Top-Selling Romance Novels

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | Statshot
The Concorde Crash

issue 3626 | 08.02.00 | What Do You Think?

On July 25, an Air France Concorde crashed during takeoff near Paris, killing 113 people, including 96 Germans. What do you think of this... more»