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August 9, 2000 - August 15, 2000 | Issue 36•27

Carload Of Faggots Just Pulled Up To Drive-Thru, Cashier Reports

JACKSONVILLE, FL–An uneventful late-night shift turned exciting Monday, when cashier Brett Runnells reported that a "carload of faggots just pulled up to the drive-thru" of the Summit Avenue Hardee's. "Guys, you gotta check out these flame-o's!" the 17-year-old Runnells told coworkers, switching off his headset microphone to relay the breaking news. "They sound so...

Video-Game Characters Denounce Randomly Placed Swinging Blades

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–A coalition of video-game characters representing the nation's leading systems appeared before Congress Monday to decry "the... more»
Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania 'A Hellhole'

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | News

ALTOONA, PA–During a campaign stop at an Altoona paper mill Monday, presidential contender Al Gore launched into an unexpected 40-minute tirade... more»
Stoner Architect Drafts All-Foyer Mansion

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | News

MINNEAPOLIS–In the oft-overlooked field of stoner architecture, new talent often goes unnoticed. But that hasn't been the case for Minneapolis... more»
Congress Debates Coolness Of Rush

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Continuing its long-running debate on the subject Monday, members of Congress argued the merits of Canadian power trio Rush. "'The... more»
Area Maggot Has Urgent News About Reincarnation

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | News In Brief

NEONTA, NY–A cabbage maggot called a press conference Tuesday to reveal "urgent" news concerning humanity and the afterlife. "First and foremost, I... more»
Needle-Exchange Program Attracting 'Druggies'

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | News In Brief

CLEVELAND–A city-sponsored "Be Safe, Be Clean" needle-exchange program is in limbo due to suspicions that "dope-heads" and "druggies" may be using... more»
Young Couple Hasn't Yet Realized They Don't Have To Do Grocery Shopping, Laundry Together

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | News In Brief

BREMERTON, WA–According to observers, Jon Lowe, 22, and Rachel Dennard, 21, have not yet realized that grocery shopping and laundry can be... more»
Republicans' 'Diversity Through Imported Africans' Plan Criticized

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–A plank in the Republican Party platform calling for a 'Diversity Through Imported Africans' program is drawing fire from... more»
Christian Prop Comic Wowing Churches From Coast To Coast

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | News In Photos
Alec Baldwin Secretes Own Hair Gel

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | News In Photos
After Five Years, I Think I Can Be Trusted With The Turtles Again

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | Commentary

Look, Mr. Budig, I'm going to lay all my cards on the table here. more»
Zweibel's Metamorphosis

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | Columnists

Observant readers of this paper know that the first week of August is traditionally set aside in the Zweibel household for the scald-cleaning,... more»
Sign Of The Crossed

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | Columnists

Well, Jeanketeers, I really messed up big this time. No, I didn't put dark clothes in with the light ones again. And, no, I didn't accidentally erase... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 9, 2000

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | Horoscopes

In your explanation to the EMTs, you get no further than the part where you were "just trying to get the badger back into the mason jar." more»
Combating Music Piracy

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | Infographic

In the wake of the Napster trial, what are record labels doing to fight the unauthorized digital distribution of music? more»
What Are We Naming Our New Mall?

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | Statshot
Bush Takes The Lead

issue 3627 | 08.09.00 | What Do You Think?

Gaining steam after last week's Republican National Convention, presidential candidate George W. Bush enjoys a strong lead over Al Gore in the polls.... more»