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August 16, 2000 - August 22, 2000 | Issue 36•28

Morning Meeting Refocuses, Re-Energizes Sales Team

HOUSTON–A mandatory 8 a.m. meeting at appliance distributor Parnell International appears to have refocused and re-energized the company's sales team, upper-management sources reported Monday. "Ostensibly, I called the meeting to remind everyone of our August goal to promote our Parnell Home Vision complete kitchen packages," company vice-president Allan Schwantes...

Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Wizco Toys recalled 245,000 Aqua Assault RoboFighters after three dumb kids managed to kill themselves with it. more»
British Parliament Accused Of Plagiarizing U.S. Senate Bill S.576

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–At a press conference Monday, members of Congress lambasted the British House Of Commons for "blatantly ripping off" Senate bill... more»
No One Seems To Care That Area Man's Bike Was Stolen

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | News

IOWA CITY, IA–Despite the fact that it cost $350 when purchased two years ago and was still in excellent condition, no one seems to care that area... more»
Man Burning In Hell Wishes He Hadn't Snickered At Religious Leaflet

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | News In Brief

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL–Eternally tormented soul Brent Woodson, who is currently being pressed between white-hot slabs of iron, expressed "profound... more»
Life-Raft Companion Looks Just Like Juicy Steak

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | News In Brief

SOUTH CHINA SEA–In a development with dire implications for shipwreck survivor Warren Munsey, fellow life-raft passenger Cliff Tettleton... more»
Area Woman Didn't Say That; You Said That

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | News In Brief

NUTLEY, NJ–Area resident Megan McNally unequivocally stated Monday that she "never, ever, not even once" said that she hates your old college... more»
Half-Fabricated Résumé Still Unimpressive

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | News In Brief

DALLAS–The résumé of aspiring telejournalist Jonathan Krieger, liberally padded with exaggerations and flat-out lies, was deemed "unimpressive"... more»
U.S. To Host Foster Country

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–At a press conference Monday, President Clinton confirmed that the U.S. is clearing out a portion of Montana to make room for foster... more»
$500 Stereo Installed In $400 Car

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | News In Photos
Heat Wave Forces Johnny Cash To Don Black Shorts

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | News In Photos
My Hot, Horny Housewife Has Been Spending An Awful Lot Of Time On The Phone Lately

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | Commentary

First off, let me just say that I'm not usually the jealous type. I have a wonderful marriage that's fulfilling in every way, so I have little reason... more»
Goin' Buggy!

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | Columnists

Well, week two of being an enormous cock-roach, and I must admit that it's not so bad. If this sentiment sounds curious to you, bear in mind that... more»
Ask A Restaurant Critic

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | Advice

Ethan Pillers is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Restaurant Critic, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Haikuscopes

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | Horoscopes

the heavenly spheresinfluence your pale wan soulto eat fatty snacks more»
Pop Culture Raunch

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | Infographic

Led by such standard-bearers as Eminem, Tom Green and Howard Stern, American pop culture is ruled by sex, violence, and bodily fluids. What are some... more»
How Are We Saying, "I Don't Love You Anymore"?

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | Statshot
Albert's Choice

issue 3628 | 08.16.00 | What Do You Think?

The Democratic National Convention is underway, and much of the focus is on Al Gore's running mate, Joseph Lieberman, an Orthodox Jew. What do... more»