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August 30, 2000 - September 5, 2000 | Issue 36•30

Gatorade Pledges $240 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations

UNITED NATIONS–In the largest humanitarian electrolyte-replenishment effort in decades, Gatorade will donate $240 million in thirst aid to citizens of 27 U.N.-designated underquenched Third World nations, spokespersons for the company announced Monday. "Gatorade is thirst aid," Gatorade president Tony Highsmith said, "for our global community's deep-down body...

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | News

HONOLULU—In an announcement with grave implications for the human race, marine biologists said dolphins have evolved opposable thumbs. more»
Wedding-Reception DJ's Choice Of 'Strokin'' Proves Controversial

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | News

NORFOLK, VA–The Norfolk Best Western was gripped by controversy late Saturday, when DJ Tim Doblewicz played the randy Clarence Carter hit... more»
Troubled Robert Downey Jr. Placed Under 24-Hour Media Surveillance

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Robert Downey Jr., the emotionally unstable "bad boy" actor who was freed from prison Aug. 2 after serving one year on cocaine and... more»
Apathy Outpacing Lust As Leading U.S. State Of Mind

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–A federal study released Monday finds that for the first time in U.S. history, apathy has supplanted lust as the nation's leading... more»
Man Who Actually Needs Grey Poupon Unable To Bring Self To Ask

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | News In Brief

ABERDEEN, MD–Sophie's Sandwich Shop patron Louis Worth, a longtime user of Grey Poupon dijon mustard, could not bring himself to ask for the... more»
Radio Shack Salesman 'A Little Out Of It Today'

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | News In Brief

NAPLES, FL–Radio Shack employee Denny Hasselbeck confessed Monday that he is "a little out of it today." "Sorry, man, I was up pretty late last... more»
Private Eye's Office Ransacked For Fourth Time This Month

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | News In Brief

NEW ORLEANS–Private investigator Max McShane encountered a familiar sight Monday, entering his Bourbon Street office to find his file cabinets... more»
Area Man's Hairstyle History Eerily Mirrors Kevin Bacon's

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | News In Brief

DAYTON, OH–For more than 15 years, Eric Rouse's hairstyles have eerily mirrored those of actor Kevin Bacon, friends of the 29-year-old reported... more»
They Might Be Giants Behind The Music Episode Lacks Sex, Drugs

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–The new They Might Be Giants episode of VH1's Behind The Music is devoid of sex and drugs, sources reported Monday. "Man, we... more»
Oatmeal Variety Pack Has Only 'Regular' Flavor Left

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | News In Photos
Magical Girlfriend Transmutes Guilt Into Precious Stones

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | News In Photos
I Have A Huge Crush On My Captor

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | Commentary

Oh, my God. Swear you will not say anything to anyone, but I have the biggest crush on my captor. He is so hot! more»
vermin verse

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | Columnists

dear readers do not be alarmed more»
My Tattoo Will Rock Your World

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. Whatcha doin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been plenty busy. First off, my apartment flooded because... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 30, 2000

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | Horoscopes

Try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids. more»
The New Monday Night Football

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | Infographic

ABC's Monday Night Football went through a major off-season shakeup, adding comedian Dennis Miller to the announcer's booth. What are the... more»
Who's Picking Out Our Clothes For Us?

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | Statshot
India Closing In On China

issue 3630 | 08.30.00 | What Do You Think?

With a population of one billion and a birth rate nearly double that of China, India is on pace to become the world's most populous nation within the... more»