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September 6, 2000 - September 12, 2000 | Issue 36•31

Area Man Just Wants Regular Haircut Without All The Frou-Frou

GLENDALE, AZ–Retired building contractor Bud Easler, 67, who ordinarily patronizes Vic's Barbershop, informed Studio Quest hairstylist Gina Nardo Sunday that he just wants "a regular haircut, without all the frou-frou." "The wife dragged me along on one of her all-day shopping expeditions, and right next to her shoe store was this hair place. I knew Mary would be...

Nation Trying To Fix Up Ralph Nader With Date

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Concerned that the Green Party presidential candidate and lifelong bachelor is lonely, citizens across the country are trying to set... more»
Christian Right Lobbies To Overturn Second Law Of Thermodynamics

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News

TOPEKA, KS–The second law of thermodynamics, a fundamental scientific principle stating that entropy increases over time as organized forms decay... more»
Exit Interview Goes Well

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News

DEARBORN, MI–Laid off Monday from his billing-manager position at Automatic Data Processing, Howard Pfaff reported that his exit interview with... more»
Parents' Record Collection Deemed Hilarious

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News

HERNDON, VA–The record collection of area parents Donald and Peggy Schnell is "totally hilarious," son Andrew Schnell, 16, reported Monday. more»
Area Man's Recommended Daily Caloric Intake Exceeded By 9 A.M.

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News In Brief

MEMPHIS, TN–At 8:56 a.m. Monday, Len Blake consumed his 2,401st calorie of the day, surpassing his recommended daily caloric intake of 2,400 a full... more»
New Orleans Adopts $10 Cover Charge

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News In Brief

NEW ORLEANS–New Orleans announced plans Monday to impose a $10 cover charge on all nonresidents seeking to enter the city. "For $10, visitors will... more»
God Damns Minnesota Vikings As Requested

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News In Brief

LIBERTYVILLE, IL–Responding to a fourth-quarter cry from diehard Chicago Bears fan Lester Ruddick, God damned the Minnesota Vikings Sunday.... more»
Jury Finds Defendant Pretty

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News In Brief

FREMONT, CA–Meredith Kent, a 26-year-old Fremont woman charged with four counts of bribery and embezzlement, was found pretty by a jury of her... more»
Long Story Short, They Had To Cut Off Area Guy's Arm

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News In Brief

PHOENIX–Long story short, surgeons were forced to amputate this guy's right arm above the elbow, sources reported Tuesday. "Yeah, well, the guy'll... more»
Advertising Executive Gets In Touch With Inner-Child Demographic

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News In Brief

BOSTON–Struggling to find the perfect marketing hook for a new rainbow-colored string-cheese snack, Holland Mark Advertising executive Darius... more»
Jim Morrison Stares Creepily Out Of Apartment Window

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News In Photos
Purple '91 Honda Accord Lovingly Dedicated To La Raza

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | News In Photos
This Lethal Injection Is Going To Hurt The State Of Texas More Than It Hurts You

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | Commentary

Mr. Jackson, seeing as you have been found guilty of murder in the first degree by the citizens of the Great Republic Of Texas, I have no choice but... more»
Someday, I Will Drive This Short Bus Myself

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | Commentary

I love the short yellow school bus! Riding the bus is fun! I ride the bus to school every day, but I also ride the bus to other places, too. When I... more»
Check Off One Orchard

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | Columnists

Well, my month-long travail as an enormous cock-roach has ended, and not one God-damned minute too soon! Though I truly enjoyed the benefits of... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | Horoscopes

A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness. more»
Western Wildfires

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | Infographic

Wildfires are sweeping across the Western U.S., with nearly 1.5 million acres in Montana and Idaho engulfed in flames. What is the government doing... more»
Top Verbs Appearing On Résumés

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | Statshot
The Firestone Tire Recall

issue 3631 | 09.06.00 | What Do You Think?

Last month, Firestone announced a recall of 6.5 million tires following reports of 46 deaths related to blowouts of tires on Ford sport-utility... more»