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September 13, 2000 - September 19, 2000 | Issue 36•32

Business-Card Drawing For Free Sandwich Mired In Scandal

HOUSTON–Controversy has engulfed a suburban Einstein Bagels store, where for months a business-card drawing for a free bagel sandwich has been mired in corruption, store sources reported Monday. "I thought a weekly drawing would be a fun way to bring in the lunch crowd," store manager and contest creator Tim Bednarik said. "I had no idea how many problems a...

Terrorist Extremely Annoyed By Delayed Flight

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | News

CHICAGO–His flight from O'Hare to LaGuardia delayed more than six hours, Hamas militant and would-be suicide bomber Nidal Hanani vowed never again... more»
Congress Allocates Some Serious Do-Re-Mi To Drought Relief

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–With drought conditions approaching critical levels in the Deep South, Great Plains, and Southwest, Congress allocated some major... more»
Every Single Thing Reminds Altman Buff Of Altman Film

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | News

AUSTIN, TX–Practically every single thing that occurs during the average day of film buff Murphy Gibson, 31, reminds him in some way of the films... more»
Man Thinks He Managed To Masturbate Without Waking Roommate

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | News In Brief

OMAHA, NE–Creighton University sophomore Adam Wilmut is under the mistaken impression that he managed to masturbate Tuesday without waking roommate... more»
Arby's Regional Manager's Work Done Here

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | News In Brief

ROLLING MEADOWS, IL–Carl Biggs, regional manager of 11 Arby's restaurants in Chicago's Northwest suburbs, has done all he can here, the 41-year-old... more»
Senior Citizens Discuss Merits Of County-Clerk Candidates

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | News In Brief

MARSHFIELD, MO–During their weekly canasta game Monday, area octogenarians Beatrice Evans and Ida Hollings discussed the relative merits of the... more»
Seemingly Shy Woman Really Just Stuck-Up, Friends Say

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | News In Brief

WESTWOOD, CA–Mandy King, whose quiet, distant manner has led many people to believe she is shy, is actually just an aloof, stuck-up bitch, friends... more»
Nation Abuzz Over C-SPAN Original Movie

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Across America, excitement is building for this Friday's premiere of C-SPAN's first-ever original movie, Quorum Call: The... more»
Bush Surges Ahead In Polls After Strong Showing On Pommel Horse

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–George W. Bush pulled ahead of Al Gore in presidential polls Monday following a near-perfect score of 9.95 on the pommel horse.... more»
Seven-Foot-Tall Animatronic Rodent Terrifies Birthday Boy

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | News In Photos
Jeeves Asked About Genital Warts

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | News In Photos
Do I Look Fat In This Motion Picture?

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | Commentary

Oh, my God. I cannot believe these dailies. They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but in my case, it has got to be more like 20. I just knew I... more»
Of Presidents And Precocity

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | Columnists

All this recent cock-roach-being and cherry-orchard-selling has diverted my attentions from both the up-coming presidential election and the progress... more»
Monkey Baby For Material Mom?

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | Columnists

Item! Material mom Madonna just had her second baby! I wish I could report this as good old-fashioned good news, but there have been... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 13, 2000

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | Horoscopes

The Powers That Be have decided you aren't their type. You have been remanded to the custody of the Powers What Is. more»
New Olympic Sports

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | Infographic

The 2000 Olympic Games kick off this friday in Sydney, Australia. What are some of the new medal events being introduced? more»
Who's Pickling Our Beets?

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | Statshot
The Debate Debate

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | What Do You Think?

For months, Al Gore and George Bush have been unable to agree on a presidential-debate format, with each candidate accusing the other of ducking a... more»
Amateur-Photography Tips

issue 3632 | 09.13.00 | Tips

Photography can be a fun and rewarding hobby. Here are some helpful hints to get aspiring shutterbugs started: more»