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October 4, 2000 - October 10, 2000 | Issue 36•35

Independent Film Made By Dependent 27-Year-Old

SCOTTSDALE, AZ–Independent filmmaker Craig Rivers, still financially dependent on his parents at 27, announced Monday the completion of his feature-length debut, the locally produced, parentally financed Far Above The Jiffy Lube, The Stars Of Phoenix Shine. ..

Russia's Closest Friends Ready To Try Military Intervention

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | News

MOSCOW–Concerned about its rising crime rate, mounting debt, and out-of-control alcoholism, Russia's closest allies are preparing to step in and... more»
Congressional Panel To Investigate Old Parker Mansion

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Following up on a Sept. 20 report that there is "something really creepy about the place," Congress established an investigative... more»
Break-Up Made Easier With Colorful Visual Aids

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | News

HUNTINGTON, WV—Stephanie Duquette utilized colorful graphs to provide an eye-catching presentation of Chris Straub's failings as a boyfriend. more»
Congolese Civil War Buff Fights In Civil War

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | News In Brief

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO–Jean-Pierre Uyoya, a longtime Congolese Civil War enthusiast, was excited to enlist in the Congolese Liberation Movement army... more»
Early-Morning Jogger Pities Everyone Still Sleeping

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | News In Brief

OCEANSIDE, CA–During her daily four-mile, 5 a.m. run, jogger Andrea Kallen expressed pity for all the people still in their soft, warm beds... more»
Eighth-Grader Drinks At Twelfth-Grade Level

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | News In Brief

CARLSBAD, NM–Joshua Halley, an eighth-grader at Millvale Middle School, consumes alcohol at a 12th-grade level, sources reported Monday. "This... more»
Area Man Could Have Sworn Randy Newman Sang Welcome Back, Kotter Theme

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | News In Brief

SPRINGFIELD, MO–Television viewer Michael Grigg was stunned to learn Monday that Lovin' Spoonful frontman John Sebastian, not Randy Newman,... more»
Fame Sexually Transmitted

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | News In Brief

LONDON–Guy Ritchie, Madonna's British boyfriend, has sexually contracted fame from the pop superstar, Ritchie's physician confirmed Monday. "It... more»
Bush Vows To Do 'That Thing Gore Just Said, Only Better'

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | News In Brief

BOSTON–Responding to debate opponent Al Gore's promise to pay off the national debt in 12 years by devoting $2 of projected surpluses toward debt... more»
Actor-Comedian Pauly Shore Bad At 32

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | News In Photos
Cosmopolitan Offers 15 Tips For Fattening Up For Winter

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | News In Photos
I Make The Best Spaghetti

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | Commentary

Who's ready for some of my world-famous spaghetti? You're going to love it, because I am a seriously excellent cook. Just ask anyone who knows me. more»
I Live In Fear

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | Columnists

Like many successful and wealthy plutocrats, I am often asked by one or another of you god-damned sheep exactly what it is to which I credit my good... more»
I Just Love My New Part-Time Job!

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | Columnists

Here's some friendly advice: Don't listen when somebody insists there was no Y2K crisis, because obviously they've never met Jean Teasdale! Sure, the... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 4, 2000

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | Horoscopes

You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses. more»
Nike's $100 Million Man

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | Infographic

Tiger Woods recently signed a fiv-year, $100 million contract with Nike. What are the conditions of Wood's contract? more»
Top Recurring U.S. Nightmares

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | Statshot
The Abortion Pill

issue 3635 | 10.04.00 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the FDA approved the controversial French abortion pill RU-486, permitting non-surgical abortions in the U.S. for the first time and... more»