Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 11, 2000 - October 17, 2000 | Issue 36•36

Area Pastor Likes To Inject A Little Humor Into His Sermons

CRYSTAL LAKE, IL–Despite his deep commitment to the sanctity and seriousness of the Word of God, Pastor Clark Lundegaard likes to incorporate a little humor into his weekly sermons, the spiritual leader of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church admitted Sunday. "Humor is a great way to reach people. Often, at the start of a sermon, I'll drop a little joke in there just...

CNN Still Releasing News Piled Up During Elián González Saga

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | News

ATLANTA—CNN is in the midst of an ongoing effort to release the backlog of news it ignored during the Elian Gonzalez saga. more»
Clinton Suffering From Senioritis, White House Sources Say

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—With his final term winding down, President Clinton can’t wait to get out of the White House for good. more»
Teen Lands Job With Fortune 500 Company

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | News

LOWELL, MA—Jeremy Novato, a recent graduate of a well-respected high school, has secured a position at the McDonald's Corporation. more»
Area Man's Mother Sizes Up New Girlfriend's Pelvic Span

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | News In Brief

STILLWATER, OK–During an evening social call Monday, Emily Dahlgren carefully sized up the pelvic span of her son Matt's new girlfriend, evaluating... more»
Network Executive Cancels Show After Ruining It In Development

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–Fox vice-president of programming Jonathan Sohn pulled the plug Tuesday on the new sitcom Table For Twelve after rendering the... more»
Green Party Official Caught Embezzling Campaign Funds For Dime Bag

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | News In Brief

BURLINGTON, VT–Scandal rocked the Green Party Monday when it was revealed that a high-ranking Nader 2000 official embezzled $10 in campaign funds... more»
St. Christopher Statue Embedded In Motorist's Forehead

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | News In Brief

STERLING CITY, TX–A plastic statue of St. Christopher, the Catholic Church's patron saint of motorists, was found embedded in the forehead of local... more»
Report: America Ready For Third Ketchup Brand

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | News In Brief

ITHACA, NY–According to a report released Monday by Cornell University's College Of Food Science, America is ready for a third brand of ketchup.... more»
Beekeeper Wishes He Understood Women Like He Understands Bees

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | News In Photos
Christina Aguilera Deeply Offended By Plate Of Iceberg Lettuce

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | News In Photos
Maybe I Can Impress Her With My Holy Grail Quotes

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | Columnists

Ah, Aimee Porter. How often I have gazed at you from across the coffee shop, longing to smell your hair, to feel your sympathetic cheek against mine. more»
Ghost-Buster

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | Columnists

I'm sick and tired of ghosts visiting my bed-chamber. At first, I admit, it was terrifying. Then, it became endearing. But now, it is down-right... more»
My Computer Totally Hates Me! vs. God, Do I Hate That Bitch

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | Point-Counterpoint

About a month ago, I got a new computer here at my reception desk at the dentist's office, and, boy, does that thing have it in for me! I am not... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 11, 2000

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | Horoscopes

After enduring the false smiles and empty promises of the business world for 22 years, you'll appreciate the candor of the DEA agents assigned to you. more»
Rocky Horror At 25

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | Infographic

The midnight-movie classic Rocky Horror Picture Show turns 25 this month. How are fans celebrating the milestone? more»
Who Can't We Believe Is Dating A Dancer?

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | Statshot
Upheaval In Yugoslavia

issue 3636 | 10.11.00 | What Do You Think?

After refusing to concede defeat in the Sept. 24 election, Yugoslavian president Slobodan Milosevic finally stepped down amid mass protests Friday,... more»