Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 18, 2000 - October 24, 2000 | Issue 36•37

Family Spends Awkward, Silent Quality Time Together

AKRON, OH–They say the family that sits silently together stays silently together. And no one proves that old adage better than the Bladners. Whether enduring an uncomfortable outing at a local restaurant, attending an unpleasant community event, or simply staring blankly at the television, this tight-knit clan always makes an effort to spend plenty of awkward, silent quality time...

Bush Horrified To Learn Presidential Salary

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | News

AUSTIN, TX–Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush was aghast to learn Monday that the position of U.S. president, the highest office in... more»
Discovery Of Oil Turns Peru Into Bunch Of Assholes

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | News

LIMA—Since finding oil, Peru has gone on a wild spending spree and petitioned to have its motto changed to "One Nation, Living The Sweet Life." more»
Aging Gen-Xer Doesn't Find Bad Movies Funny Anymore

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | News

HOBOKEN, NJ—Dave Erdman, 34, no longer finds bad movies and other forms of mass-media trash culture humorous. more»
Historical Inaccuracy Found In Wild West Strip Show

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | News In Brief

LAS VEGAS– Donald Nance, a vacationing Massillon, OH, accountant and history buff, detected a historical inaccuracy Monday in a Wild West-themed... more»
Report: Overseas Sweatshops Hurting U.S. Sweatshops

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC– According to a Labor Department report released Monday, foreign sweatshops are seriously diminishing the profitability of domestic... more»
Indian Teen Caught Playing Air Sitar

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | News In Brief

HYDERABAD, INDIA– Rajesh Gopalakrishnan, 15, was deeply embarrassed Monday when his sister and her friend barged in on him as he played air sitar... more»
Man With New Generator Hoping For Power Outage

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | News In Brief

PITTSFIELD, MA– Days after purchasing a new Coleman Powermate 2500 portable generator, homeowner Randy Denton expressed hope for a power outage... more»
God Wondering Whatever Happened To That Planet Where He Made All Those Monkeys

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | News In Brief

HEAVEN– Reminiscing Monday, God wondered aloud what happened to "that one planet I made, like, four and a half billion years ago, the one with all... more»
Man Listening To 'Highway To Hell' Actually On Parkway To Waukegan

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | News In Photos
Marriage Breaks Up Over Procreative Differences

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | News In Photos
I Can Instantly Tell Whether Someone Is African-American With My Amazing 'Blackdar'

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | Commentary

I have this amazing gift. It's called "blackdar," and it enables me to tell whether someone is African-American without even knowing anything about... more»
I Will Decide What Is Appropriate For Children!

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | Columnists

Among the mewling, puking horde of bottle-babies that is The Onion's reader-ship, there have always been those who seek to tell me how to run... more»
I Been Trying To Figure Out A Way To Make Some Scratch

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. What's the situation? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a mountain of problems. First off, I had a major... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 18, 2000

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | Horoscopes

One man truly can make a difference, assuming he's willing to drive a loaded schoolbus into the base of a dam. more»
The Beatles Anthology

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | Infographic

The 368-page Beatles Anthology, touted as the most authoritative account of the Fab Four, hit the bookstores last week. What are some of its... more»
Least Sacred Holy Days

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | Statshot
Mayhem In The Mideast

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | What Do You Think?

Mideast peace efforts have broken down in recent days, with Israeli-Palestinian violence erupting throughout the troubled region. What do you... more»
First-Aid Tips

issue 3637 | 10.18.00 | Tips

In a medical emergency, knowing what to do can make all the difference. Here are some tips to help you handle an unexpected injury or illness: more»