Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 25, 2000 - October 31, 2000 | Issue 36•38

Man With Hodgkin's Disease Way Over Sick-Day Limit

PULASKI, TN–Atco Tool & Design machinist Richie Loftus, diagnosed four months ago with Hodgkin's Disease, has already exceeded his allotted number of sick days for the year, his employers warned Monday. "It's unfortunate, what's happening with Richie, but company policy clearly states that employees are permitted 15 sick days per year," Atco Tool & Design...

Half-Naked Kissinger Thrown Out Of U.S. News & World Report Mansion

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Another chapter was added to the infamous history of the U.S. News & World Report Mansion Saturday, when celebrity politico... more»
School 'Fine,' U.S. Teens Report

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a finding that parents and educators call heartening, a majority of teens say that school is "fine." more»
Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past Eight Years

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | News

LOUISVILLE, KY–Describing himself a "going through a little phase," 26-year-old heterosexual Michael Litwin has been experimenting with... more»
Woman Feels Guilty After Switching Brands

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | News In Brief

RUTLAND, VT– Area resident Teresa Grant was plagued by feelings of guilt Monday after buying a box of Snuggle fabric softener, ending years of... more»
Filmmakers Call Vincent Canby's Life Overlong, Poorly Paced

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | News In Brief

NEW YORK– The life of Vincent Canby, the longtime New York Times senior film critic who died last week at 76, is being called "an overlong,... more»
Congressman Picked Last For Committee On Youth Fitness

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC– U.S. Rep. David Bonior (D-MI), an awkward, unpopular legislator from Michigan's 10th District, was picked last for the new House... more»
U.S. Leads World In Mexican-Food Availability

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | News In Brief

UNITED NATIONS– According to a U.N. report released Monday, for the 16th straight year, the U.S. ranks first in the world in Mexican-food... more»
Sharon Stone To Star In Major Backstage Drama

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA– Daily Variety reported Monday that Sharon Stone will star in a major backstage drama on the set of the upcoming Barry... more»
Retiree Purchases Recliner He'll Eventually Die In

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | News In Brief

DADE CITY, FL– Retiree Chuck Leyner, 66, treated himself Monday to a La-Z-Boy Cardinal Reclina-Rocker chair, in which he will die of heart failure... more»
'Decision 2000' Actually Made In Smoke-Filled Room In 1997

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | News In Photos
Local Man's Body A Really Big Temple

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | News In Photos
My Brother Is Going To Love This Forwarded List Of Lawyer Jokes

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | Commentary

I've got a question for you: How do you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving! more»
My Baby Don't Want No Medicine

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | Commentary

I hate them doctors. They always talking a bunch of shit like they know so much, always trying to act all big and important, like they a movie star... more»
Around The World In One Paragraph

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | Columnists

Yesterday in my bed-chamber, Nurse Pin-head opened the glass-doors to my private balcony to release the fetid cloud of odors, miasmas, and sour... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 25, 2000

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | Horoscopes

You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world. more»
The Brooks Break-Up

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | Infographic

After 14 years of marriage, country superstar Garth Brooks and his wife Sandy are divorcing. What are the terms of the split? more»
What Is Our Favorite New CBS Show?

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | Statshot
The Subway Series

issue 3638 | 10.25.00 | What Do You Think?

For the first time in 44 years, baseball's World Series is a Subway Series, with the New York Mets and New York Yankees squaring off. What do... more»