Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 8, 2000 - November 14, 2000 | Issue 36•40

New Girlfriend Tests Poorly With Peer Focus Group

RALEIGH, NC–Preliminary data collected Monday from a focus group of friends indicates that new girlfriend Christine Carr is an unsuitable mate for Evan Lindblad. "I was really excited for everyone to meet Christine," said Lindblad, 25, a graduate student in clinical psychology at North Carolina State University. "I was sure everyone would like her. But now that the...

Bush Or Gore: 'A New Era Dawns'

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | News

AUSTIN, TX OR NASHVILLE, TN—Either George W. Bush or Al Gore was elected the 43rd president of the United States Tuesday. more»
Neighborhood Children Gear Up For Hotly Anticipated 'Opening Of The Gerbil's Tomb'

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | News

COVINGTON, KY–In what promises to be the biggest neighborhood event since July's golf-ball dismantling, Andy Mefford, 9, announced plans Monday to... more»
Access Hollywood Producer Would Never Work For Entertainment Tonight

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Danielle Pierce, 33, an assistant producer at Access Hollywood, told a friend Monday that she "could never and would never"... more»
Half-Empty Bottle Of Malibu Found In Woods Behind School

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | News In Brief

JASPER, GA–A half-empty bottle of Malibu rum was discovered Monday in the woods behind Jasper Junior High School by a trio of eighth-graders. "We... more»
Kinko's Patron Pulls The Old Copy-Key Switcheroo

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | News In Brief

LAWRENCE, KS–Kinko's patron Matt Morrow, 21, saved $9.23 Tuesday when he pulled the old copy-key switcheroo. "After making 200 copies of a flier... more»
Man Builds House He Designed When He Was Eight Years Old

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | News In Brief

LODI, CA–A lifelong dream was realized Monday following the completion of "Fort Awesome," the high-tech home of the future Lodi architect Don Reese... more»
Mozambique Out Of Toilet Paper

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | News In Brief

MAPUTO, MOZAMBIQUE–Mozambican officials declared a state of emergency Monday following the depletion of the nation's bathroom-tissue supply. "We... more»
Report: TV Teens 15 Times More Likely To Crack Wise Than Real Teens

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–According to a report released Tuesday by the Center For Media Studies, TV teens out-wisecrack real-life teens by a 15-to-1 margin. Said... more»
NS/ND/C/DWF Wondering Why She Can't Find Someone

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS–Susan Stenerud, a divorced, white, non-smoking, non-drinking Christian who has placed "countless" personals ads over the years,... more»
Vote, Voter Wasted

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | News In Photos
Magazine Correctly Judged By Its Cover

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | News In Photos
Dungeon Master

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | Columnists

With the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of individuals currently chained in my... more»
A Year Without Movie Magic? Say It Ain't So, Hollywood!

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | Columnists

Item! Are you sitting down? I've just received some very, very bad news. A reliable source tells me that Hollywood's actors and writers... more»
Whoooooo! Bears! vs. Aaaaaggh! Bears!

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | Point-Counterpoint

Man, what a beautiful day for football. I cannot wait to see those Bears do their thing. Today's the day they're finally gonna win one at home. more»
Horoscope for the week of November 8, 2000

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | Horoscopes

As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white. more»
Wal-Mart In Cyberspace

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | Infographic

Amid much hype, Wal-Mart, the world's largest retailer, launched Walmart.com earlier this month. What are some of the features of the online store? more»
Top Write-In Candidates

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | Statshot
The Low Voter Turnout

issue 3640 | 11.08.00 | What Do You Think?

Despite being one of the closest presidential races in decades, the 2000 election drew a disappointingly low turnout. What do you think? more»