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November 15, 2000 - November 21, 2000 | Issue 36•41

Clinton Declares Self President For Life

WASHINGTON, DC–Denouncing the American electoral process as "immoral and corrupt," President Clinton announced Tuesday that he will not step down on Jan. 20, 2001, declaring himself "President For Life." Proclaiming Nov. 14 a new national holiday as "Day On...

Nation Plunges Into Chaos

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Presidential-election-related violence continued to spread across the nation Tuesday, with Day Seven of the battle for the White... more»
NBC News Reverses Earlier Report Of Gore's Death

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News

NEW YORK–Three hours after placing Al Gore in the "dead" column, NBC News retracted its projection Tuesday, changing the vice-president's status to... more»
Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S.

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News

BELGRADE—President Vojislav Kostunica pledged to help the troubled North American nation as it struggles to establish democracy. more»
Bush Executes 253 New Mexico Democrats

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News

ALBUQUERQUE, NM–New Mexico's five electoral votes swung back into the Bush column Monday when George W. Bush executed 253 Las Cruces-area... more»
Communication With Florida Cut Off

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News

TALLAHASSEE, FL–Federal officials confirmed Tuesday that all forms of communication with Florida, the bloody battleground for 25 electoral votes,... more»
Child Subjected To Elaborate Hairdo

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News In Brief

GRAND RAPIDS, MI– Renee Wilkins, 4, was subjected to a painful, elaborate hairdo at the hands of her mother Monday. "Look how pretty my baby... more»
Strom Thurmond Begins Preparing Cabinet

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC– With the presidential-succession crisis threatening to drag on for months, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) began the process of... more»
Recount Reveals Nader Defeated

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News In Brief

TALLAHASSEE, FL– A third recount by Florida election officials has "definitively determined" that Green Party candidate Ralph Nader was defeated in... more»
Hypothetical Question Clearly Not Hypothetical

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News In Brief

YUMA, AZ– Brad Thorstadt was rattled Monday, when hiking partner and longtime friend Ken Daniels asked him a hypothetical question that clearly was... more»
Area Man A Walking Encyclopedia Of Everything Except Leading A Normal Life

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News In Brief

ODESSA, TX– Gene Weldon, 34, was praised by friends and family Monday for his expertise on dog breeding, spelunking, and countless other subjects... more»
Government-Publications Enthusiast Makes Pilgrimage To Pueblo, CO

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News In Brief

PUEBLO, CO– Fulfilling a lifelong dream, Kim Cheever of Ames, IA, made a pilgrimage Tuesday to Pueblo's Federal Consumer Information Center. "This... more»
Tipper's Thumb Delivered To Gore Campaign Headquarters

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News In Photos
Naderite Loyalists Nuke Dam

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | News In Photos
I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | Commentary

Did you ever know a "chocoholic"? One of those folks who just can't get enough chocolate? I bet there's at least one in your home or workplace. At my... more»
A Portentous Estate Sale

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | Columnists

Several months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of this news-paper's... more»
Ask A Man Getting Yelled At By His Wife Over The Phone At Work

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | Advice

Doug Bauer is a syndicated columnist whose advice column, Ask A Man Getting Yelled At By His Wife Over The Phone At Work, appears in more than... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 15, 2000

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | Horoscopes

When all is said and done, and your time on Earth is finished, you will just barely have made it to the end of this sentence. more»
Celebrity Children's Books

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | Infographic

From John Lithgow to Katie Couric, celebrities are taking up the pen to author children's books. What are some of the other big-name offerings? more»
What Are We Hoarding?

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | Statshot
Election Madness

issue 3641 | 11.15.00 | What Do You Think?

With Florida's results in doubt, several other states mulling recounts, and both Bush and Gore threatening legal action, the winner of the Nov. 7... more»