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December 6, 2000 - December 12, 2000 | Issue 36•44

48-Year-Old Still Unsure What He Wants To Do With His Life

NORTH BELLMORE, NY–Bob Cellini, a 48-year-old North Bellmore postal supervisor, informed coworkers Tuesday that he is still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. "Working for the post office is okay for some people," said Cellini, addressing a trio of letter carriers in the Newbridge Road Postal Station break room. "But I feel like I've got a lot...

Nation's Dog Owners Demand To Know Who's A Good Boy

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Bearing facial expressions ranging from goofy to adoring, dog owners from across the U.S. gathered in the nation's capital Monday,... more»
Vatican Warns Against Increasingly Healthy Attitudes Toward Sex

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | News

VATICAN CITY–Alarmed by rising rates of pleasurable, mutually fulfilling acts of physical love among Catholics, the Vatican issued a statement... more»
Black Guy Photoshopped In

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | News

AMES, IA–In the spirit of celebrating diversity at Iowa State University, a black guy was digitally added to the cover of the school's 2001... more»
Hard Day's Work Fails To Yield Sense Of Job Well Done

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | News In Brief

EVANSVILLE, IN– After a hard day's work Monday, Cahill Financial Group administrative assistant Janice Croyer mysteriously lacked a deep sense of... more»
Driver Rattled By Brush With Death For Nearly 10 Seconds

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | News In Brief

DOUGLAS, WY– Following a narrowly averted fatal collision with a weaving semi truck on Interstate 25, motorist Kent Withers was badly shaken for... more»
Freddie Prinze Jr. Fan's Favorite Color Also Green

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | News In Brief

BURBANK, CA– Reading a profile of teen heartthrob Freddie Prinze Jr. in the December issue of Tiger Beat, 15-year-old Caitlin Rasmussen was... more»
Shingles Sufferer Sick Of Explaining What Shingles Is

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | News In Brief

NEWPORT NEWS, VA– Meredith Burr, a Newport News human-resources administrator who contracted shingles three weeks ago, announced Tuesday that she... more»
Gore Calls For Recount Of Supreme Court Vote

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC– An increasingly desperate Al Gore called for a recount Tuesday of the U.S. Supreme Court's 9-0 decision in Bush v. Palm Beach... more»
Man Can't Decide Whether To Give Sandwich To Homeless Or Ducks

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | News In Brief

ST. PAUL, MN– While eating lunch in Como Park Monday, Justin Winningham, 34, struggled to decide whether to give his extra smoked-turkey sandwich... more»
Area Senior Up For Some Boggle

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | News In Photos
Personals Ad Omits Goiter

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | News In Photos
There's No 'My Kid Has Cancer' In Team

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | Commentary

All right, team! Look alive! This is the big one. This is the week we finally pull into the sales lead, and that means total focus. more»
All's Right With The World

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | Columnists

Huzzah and greetings to the fine Onion reader-ship! All is well with you, I hope! You have a crust to gnaw upon and whale-oil aplenty, I trust? No... more»
H-Dog Jr.

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | Columnists

Yo, check it out, Gs: Last week, that freaky ho Judy from tha wack-ass Accountz Payabo krew steps to mah fly cubicle, all smilin' an' shit. I thought... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 6, 2000

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | Horoscopes

Your week will be full of success, tempered by depression over the fact that your future can be boiled down to single sentences. more»
The Scooter Craze

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | Infographic

Across America, millions of kids are cruising around on aluminum Razor scooters. Why are they so popular? more»
Least-Safe Airlines

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | Statshot
Youth Sports, Adult Violence

issue 3644 | 12.06.00 | What Do You Think?

The past year has seen a surge in adult violence at youth sporting events, including the beating death of a hockey coach by a player's father. What... more»