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January 17, 2001 - January 23, 2001 | Issue 37•01

Man Who Thought He Was On Date Actually Just At Work-Related Get-Together

BOSTON–Thirty minutes into dinner with co-worker Natalie Cooper, Matthew Rolen, a marketing manager at Novartis Pharmaceuticals, realized Tuesday that what he thought was a date was actually a work-related get-together. "There Natalie and I were at Trattoria Il Panino, candles flickering and soft music playing. But somehow, the conversation kept turning back to the...

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from his inauguration, president-elect Bush vowed to undo the damage not done by the Clinton Administration. more»
Rural Nebraskan Not Sure He Could Handle Frantic Pace Of Omaha

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | News

NORTH PLATTE, NE—Fred Linder, 46, doesn't think he could cope with the hustle and bustle of Nebraska's largest city. more»
Corpse-Reanimation Technology Still 10 Years Off, Say MIT Mad Scientists

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | News

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Certain forms of horrible knowledge that Man was not meant to possess are still years away from becoming standard practice. more»
English Teacher Obviously Hung Over

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | News In Brief

MARYLAND HEIGHTS, MO–Despite attempts to conceal it from students, Eisenhower High School 11th-grade English teacher Matthew Geisinger was clearly... more»
New KFC Employee Takes 'Fry-Q' Test In Employee Manual

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | News In Brief

MITCHELL, SD–After a three-hour training session at the Berner Road KFC Monday, food-prep trainee Liz Falk took the "Fry-Q" test in the employee... more»
Paul Hogan Keeps Pitching Crocodile Dundee Saturday-Morning Cartoon

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–Continuing nine years of such efforts, Australian actor Paul Hogan pitched a Crocodile Dundee Saturday-morning cartoon to Fox... more»
Salvadoran Earthquake Registers 0.2 On Local Man's Consciousness

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | News In Brief

PORTAGE, MI–A massive earthquake in El Salvador did not rock Walt Grella's world Saturday, measuring 0.2 on the Portage man's consciousness. "I... more»
Clinton Not Expecting To Collect White House Security Deposit

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Surveying the White House's walls and bathroom fixtures in preparation for move-out, President Clinton said Monday that he expects... more»
Ex-Girlfriend's Last Electric-Bill Check Remains Uncashed In Area Man's Wallet

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE–Ten weeks after girlfriend Jessica Schroeder broke up with him and moved out, Richard Bluff, 24, continues to carry the check for her... more»
Chinese Guy Still Insisting It Was Him In Front Of That Tank

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | News In Photos
Denny's Introduces 'Just A Humongous Bucket Of Eggs And Meat'

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | News In Photos
I'm Going To Be The Worst Father Ever

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | Commentary

Well, Trish is now eight months pregnant. Before you know it, I'm going to be the father of a strapping baby boy. And you know what? I just know I'm... more»
My God, What Passes For Crunch-tastic These Days

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | Commentary

Boy... I just wish there were a stronger word than "appalled." more»
Horoscope for the week of January 17, 2001

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | Horoscopes

Awkwardness will prevail in your office this week as your co-workers try to pretend that the spontaneous Busby Berkeley number they walked in on... more»
The Inaugural Ball

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | Infographic

What is being planned for Jan. 20's presidential inaugural-ball festivities? more»
How Did We Celebrate MLK Day?

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | Statshot
What Do You Think?

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | What Do You Think?

Controversial rapper Eminem was recently nominated for four Grammys, sparking protest from groups such as GLAAD and NOW, who say his music promotes... more»
Firearm-Safety Tips

issue 3701 | 01.17.01 | Tips

When operating a firearm, safety is paramount. Here are some tips to reduce the risk of mishaps: more»