Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 24, 2001 - January 30, 2001 | Issue 37•02

Vacationing Woman Thinks Cats Miss Her

VERO BEACH, FL–Annette Davrian, a 45-year-old Cedar Rapids, IA, bank teller, is spending her vacation time in a delusional haze this week, somehow managing to convince herself that her cats actually miss...

'80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Remember SDI, deregulation, and tax cuts? The new administration does. That's right, '80s retro fever is sweeping the executive... more»
Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | News

MANCHESTER, NH—Despite his IQ of 71, Andy Ehrman is the only competent worker at the Frontage Road Burger King. more»
Area Man Likes To Think Of Own Past As Sordid

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | News

NORFOLK, VA—Ross Bingham doesn't talk about it much, but he went through a pretty wild phase in his 20s. more»
Toilet-Paper Edge Given Classy Appearance With Triangular Fold

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | News In Brief

MISSOULA, MT–A roll of Charmin bathroom tissue in Room 316 of a Missoula Motel 6 was imbued with a regal air Monday when the maid service folded... more»
Explosion Used To Signify Big Savings

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | News In Brief

WORCESTER, MA–In an ad for Kearns Home & Garden Center in Monday's Worcester Telegram & Gazette, a violent explosion was used as a visual... more»
Bunch Of People Apparently Saw That Brendan Fraser Mummy Movie

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | News In Brief

SACRAMENTO, CA–A lot of people apparently saw that Brendan Fraser mummy movie, area resident Bill Whited said to himself Monday while watching a... more»
White House Guidance Counselor Recommends Clinton Consider Career In Hotel Management

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–At his mandatory post-presidency appointment with White House guidance counselor Larry Schecht, Bill Clinton was encouraged to... more»
Man Knows Unsettling Amount About Nationwide Age-Of-Consent Laws

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | News In Brief

HAGERSTOWN, MD–During a conversation at work last Friday, drill-press operator Pete Cromartie revealed a disturbing familiarity with various... more»
Winner Didn't Even Know It Was Pie-Eating Contest

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | News In Photos
Ape Footage Causes Brief Three-And-A-Half-Minute Interruption In Channel-Surfing

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | News In Photos
Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | Commentary

Times are tough, no question. There have been more layoffs in the past six months here at ProVantage Solutions than in the previous five years... more»
I Bet I Wouldn't Be Laughing So Hard If It Was Me In That Fire

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | Commentary

Listen, I know in my heart this isn't funny. If the tables were turned, I wouldn't be cracking up the way I am now. I definitely wouldn't be laughing... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 24, 2001

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | Horoscopes

Though you've always believed that "everybody loves a good Polack joke," you will discover an entire nation of people who do not. more»
Clinton's Last Acts

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | Infographic

What measures did Bill Clinton take in his final week as president? more»
Least-Used Exclamations During Sex

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | Statshot
The California Blackouts

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | What Do You Think?

A state of emergency has been declared in California, where massive power shortages have necessitated cutting off electricity through much of the... more»
Super Bowl Party-Planning Tips

issue 3702 | 01.24.01 | Tips

Jan. 28 is Super Sunday, a day for friends, food, and football. Here are some tips to help you score a "touchdown" with your Super Bowl party: more»