Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 31, 2001 - February 6, 2001 | Issue 37•03

Finest Opera Singer Of Her Generation Unknown By Her Generation

NEW YORK–Alessandra Coletti, the 22-year-old mezzo-soprano sensation, has stunned opera-loving octogenarians around the globe with her astonishing range, power, and upper-register control. Touted as the greatest female opera singer of her generation, the Milan-born, New York-bred Coletti is completely unknown among members of her generation. "Alessandra who?" said Amy...

Metric System Thriving In Nation's Inner Cities

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Despite other academic shortcomings, inner-city youths possess a firmer grasp of the metric system than their peers in suburban and... more»
Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | News

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Shock rocker Marilyn Manson has been touring suburbia in a last-ditch effort to shock Americans. more»
Area Man Proudly Accepts Exit-Row Responsibilities

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | News

CHICAGO–Air traveler Lynn Paschal feels physically and mentally ready to fulfill the duties of an exit-row passenger should tragedy strike United... more»
Fucker Sure Taking Long Time To Download

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | News In Brief

MESA, AZ–That fucker sure is taking a long time to download, computer user Larry Eisen reported Monday. "What is taking this fucker so long?" asked... more»
Irish Wake A Blur

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | News In Brief

BOSTON–According to attendees, Saturday's wake for police officer Joseph "Joe" O'Malley was a total blur. "I think someone said something about... more»
Diners Slightly Unnerved That Waitress Didn't Write Down Order

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | News In Brief

PORTLAND, OR–A Chili's waitress identified only as "Karen" made a six-person lunch party uncomfortable Monday when she didn't write down their... more»
Annoying Coworker Precedes All Nouns With 'Quite The'

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | News In Brief

WICHITA, KS–Wichita Gas & Electric payroll secretary Patti Smolensk has thoroughly irritated coworkers with her habit of prefacing all nouns with... more»
Running Back's Buttocks Undulate Hypnotically In Sexuality-Challenging Slow-Motion Replay

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | News In Brief

ALBEMARLE, NC–The sexual identity of Super Bowl viewer Henry Bracken was challenged Sunday, when a slow-motion instant replay showed the sinewy... more»
Janice To Register Three; Janice To Register Three

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | News In Photos
Germs Depicted With Menacing Little Faces

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | News In Photos
This Mug Exaggerates My Grandfathering Skills To An Embarrassing Degree

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | Commentary

My word. I still can't believe I was even nominated. more»
Celebrity Couples Are Breaking Up!

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | Columnists

Item! It's not just Oscar season, it's also break-up season! Among the Hollywood couples packing up their belongings and moving to Splitsville... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 31, 2001

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | Horoscopes

Though you have always considered the difference psychological, you will be horrified to learn that men and women also have substantial physical... more»
Rock's First Billionaire

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | Infographic

With a net worth estimated at $1.07 billion, Paul McCartney recently became the word's first billionaire pop star. Among the former Beatle's holdings: more»
New Candy Bar Sizes

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | Statshot
Hillary In 2004?

issue 3703 | 01.31.01 | What Do You Think?

The 2000 presidential election is barely in the books, but talk has already turned to the possibility of Hillary Clinton making a White House run in... more»