Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 7, 2001 - February 13, 2001 | Issue 37•04

Recently Born-Again Christian Finally Has Social Life

GASTONIA, SC–Eight months ago, Larry Dunne was alone. He didn't have a friend in the world. But all that changed with his baptism at the New Hearts Fundamentalist Church. Ever since becoming a born-again Christian, Dunne has a friend through Jesus. "Let's see, there's Richard and Janet and Craig," said Dunne, a data technician at Quill Paper Distribution. "Oh, and Brent, too. He stands next...

Clinton Vaguely Disappointed By Lack Of Assassination Attempts

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | News

CHAPPAQUA, NY—President Clinton doesn't want to be remembered as the president who wasn't worth a couple pot shots. more»
Lava Lamps Revert From Passé Retro Kitsch Back To Novel Retro Camp

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Lava lamps, the once-popular, then passé, then popular again, then passé again novelty items that have cyclically taken various... more»
Receptionist At Chiropractor's Office Considering Pursuing Chiropractic Degree

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | News

BALTIMORE—Paula Budig, who didn't know what a chiropractor did when she took the job, said it seems like it would be a great career. more»
'Mr. Falafel' Owner Does Not Actually Like Being Addressed As Mr. Falafel

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | News In Brief

DETROIT–In a candid interview Monday, Elias Nawaz, owner of the Mr. Falafel restaurant on Telegraph Road, asserted that he does not like to be... more»
Woman Panics After Accidentally Getting Into Exact-Change Lane

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | News In Brief

DES PLAINES, IL–Motorist Gloria Eckstrom, 64, panicked Monday after accidentally entering an I-90 toll-booth lane explicitly marked "Exact Change... more»
Special 'Framers' Cut' Of Constitution To Feature Five Deleted Amendments

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–The National Archives and Records Administration announced plans Monday to release a special "framers' cut" of the Constitution... more»
High-School Teacher Reluctantly Breaks Up Fight

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | News In Brief

IRVINE, CA–With great trepidation, Irvine West High School teacher Ted Broussard broke up a hallway fistfight Monday between students Rick Anders... more»
New Country-Music Video Has Look Of 1991 Rock Video

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | News In Brief

NASHVILLE–The video for Lonestar's "How 'Bout That," which premiered Monday on TNN, bears an uncanny resemblance to a typical rock video circa... more»
Dozens Of Glowing Exit Signs Mercilessly Taunt Multiplex Employee

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | News In Photos
Elderly Woman Casually Mentions Wish To Die

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | News In Photos
I Can't Seem To Find The Moline Gay District

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | Commentary

As a gay man, whenever I'm in a new city, the first thing I do is seek out the gay district. Whether it's New York's Greenwich Village, The Castro in... more»
I'm A Dinner-Party Animal

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | Commentary

Whoo-hoo! It's Friday night, people! Time to shake off the week, crack open a carafe of Zinfandel, get my hands in the canapés, and let loose. It's... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 7, 2001

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | Horoscopes

Though you'd like to think of it as a triumph of the human spirit, it's really just the opening of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop three blocks from... more»
Celine's Baby

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | Infographic

After years of publicly wishing for a child, Celine Dion finally gave birth to a son on Jan. 25. How is the world reacting to the blessed event? more»
Most Common Drug Side-Effects

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | Statshot
The Return Of Mad Cow

issue 3704 | 02.07.01 | What Do You Think?

Mad-cow disease is once again sweeping Europe, prompting renewed fears on this side of the Atlantic, including a New York-area recall of Mamba, a... more»