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February 14, 2001 - February 20, 2001 | Issue 37•05

Customer's Attempt To Complain To Manager Thwarted By Employee

ELGIN, IL–A customer's repeated attempts to complain to the store manager about Mama Z's Pizza employee Matt Wheaton were successfully thwarted by Wheaton, restaurant sources confirmed Monday. "At about 10 p.m., this guy calls up bitching about how he got sausage on the pizza we delivered, going all apeshit because he's, like, a vegetarian or something," the...

Congress Holds Weekend Trust-Building Retreat

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | News

LURAY, VA–Seeking to foster a spirit of unity and teamwork between Democrats and Republicans under the new Bush Administration, members of Congress... more»
Irrepressible Bad Boy Slays Seven

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | News

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Jordan Jeffries, the hard-partying Hollywood hunk who's on everybody's A-list, has killed again. more»
Report: Mankind's Knowledge Of TV Trivia Doubling Every Three Years

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | News

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ–According to a report released Monday by Rutgers University's Center For Media Studies, mankind's collective knowledge of TV... more»
Movie Deemed Acceptable For Mom And Dad

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | News In Brief

LOCK HAVEN, PA–Looking for a video to watch with his parents during a weekend visit, 28-year-old Steve Berg rented Small Time Crooks Sunday.... more»
'Army Of One' Campaign Attracting Troubled Loners To Military

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–The Army's new "Army Of One" campaign is attracting millions of troubled loners, recruitment officials said Monday. "Historically,... more»
Star Wars Gamer Magazine Boldly Claims To Be The Leading Magazine For Star Wars Gamers

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | News In Brief

NICASIO, CA–The debut issue of Star Wars Gamer, which hit newsstands Monday, audaciously boasts that the magazine is "the world's leading... more»
Jerry Lewis Undergoes Emergency Gefloigel Surgery

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–Less than an hour after doctors discovered that the gland had become all screwy with the infections, legendary comedian Jerry Lewis... more»
Pantomimed Lasso Motion Fails To Pull Woman Across Dance Floor

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | News In Brief

SCOTTSDALE, AZ–Russ Bakke, 37, unsuccessfully attempted to pull an unnamed female across a nightclub dance floor Saturday with a pantomimed lasso... more»
Cottonelle Introduces New 'Piping-Hot' Toilet Tissue

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | News In Photos
Violinist Sick Of Doing Mozart Covers

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | News In Photos
My Collection Of Cassingles Is Second To None

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | Commentary

In the realm of the true musical aesthete, there are some who rise above the madding crowd. At the risk of seeming immodest, I must confess that I am... more»
Fashion Victim

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | Columnists

A few days ago, if you'd asked me what "nepotism" meant, I would have guessed it was some sort of eye disorder. But boy, oh, boy, Jeanketeers, since... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2001

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | Horoscopes

Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end. more»
The Cruise-Kidman Divorce

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | Infographic

After 10 years of marriage, Hollywood power couple Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman announced their divorce on Feb. 5. What were the reasons for the... more»
Top Regional-Interest Fiction

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | Statshot
Clinton And The Fugitive Financier

issue 3705 | 02.14.01 | What Do You Think?

Congress is investigating Bill Clinton's pardon of Marc Rich, a major Democratic Party contributor who since 1983 has been living in Switzerland to... more»