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March 14, 2001 - March 20, 2001 | Issue 37•09

Attempts Made To Enjoy Sake

ST. PAUL, MN–Determined to gain an appreciation for the fermented Japanese rice drink, Chris Gibson and girlfriend Valerie Estes made a fourth attempt to enjoy sake Saturday. "Sake is really good stuff," said Gibson, 29, following the couple's most recent failed sake-appreciation attempt. "And it's a cool thing to be able to say you're into. I just don't think our...

Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Two' Of Operation

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | News

SEATTLE—Starbucks officials announced Monday that they are through with the coffee-distribution portion of their long-range plan. more»
No Jennifer Lopez News Today

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | News

NEW YORK—Despite Hurculean efforts to find any scraps of J. Lo information, reporters conceded that there is no Jennifer Lopez news today. more»
Area Man Less Capable Than Own Watch

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | News

SANTA FE, NM—According to coworkers, Len Halicki has less features than his wristwatch. more»
Mockingbird Imitates Car Alarm Perfectly

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | News In Brief

HOUSTON–In an unsettling development for the natural world, a mockingbird was heard perfectly mimicking a car alarm Monday. "I heard this strange... more»
Dubious Inclusions Damage Credibility Of Entire Record Collection

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | News In Brief

HAMMOND, IN–The credibility of 26-year-old Jeff Gaskill's record collection is badly damaged by the inclusion of several albums of dubious artistic... more»
Insufferable Prick Distinctly Said No Cilantro

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–Dan Carswell, a 31-year-old Fidelity Investments commodities trader and unbelievable asshole, distinctly told his Aquavit server Tuesday... more»
Women's Prison Riot Feels Gratuitous

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | News In Brief

DECATUR, GA–Monday's full-scale riot at the Georgia Women's Correctional Facility is being derided by witnesses as "contrived" and "blatantly... more»
God Loses Decision-Making Coin

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | News In Brief

HEAVEN–God confirmed Monday that He has misplaced His special decision-making coin. "I have no idea where I put it," a visibly distraught God said... more»
VCR Fast-Forwarded With Toe

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | News In Photos
Real-Life Pepe Le Pew Rapes Cat

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | News In Photos
I Have A Way With 25- To 34-Year-Old College-Educated Women Making $30,000 To $50,000 Per Year

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | Commentary

I hate to brag, but there's just something about me that drives single, upwardly mobile, college-educated women between the ages of 25 and 34 wild. more»
Ask An Intro To A Fox Trot Cartoon Collection

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | Advice

Introduction, Fox Trot: The Works is an advice columnist whose syndicated column, Ask An Intro To A Fox Trot Cartoon Collection appears... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 14, 2001

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | Horoscopes

There's a lot to be said for self-improvement, but making yourself more aerodynamic is probably a waste of time. more»
The Meat-Substitute Boom

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | Infographic

With vegetarianism on the rise and beef scares in Europe, soy-based meat substitutes are a booming industry. What are some of the most popular items... more»
Least-Recommended Toilet-Training Books For Children

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | Statshot
Dick Cheney's Heart

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | What Do You Think?

Last week, vice-president Dick Cheney, a four-time heart-attack victim, underwent angioplasty surgery. What do you think about his heart... more»
Toy-Buying Tips For Parents

issue 3709 | 03.14.01 | Tips

Not all toys are created equal. Here are some tips to help you choose playthings for your children that are safe and educational: more»