Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 21, 2001 - March 27, 2001 | Issue 37•10

Woman's Day Writer Recounts Own Harrowing Battle With Caffeine Addiction

CLEARWATER, FL–Bravely coming forward in the hopes of helping others like herself, freelance Woman's Day writer Joanna Hoff described her harrowing battle with caffeine addiction in the magazine's April issue. "I was a coffee junkie," Hoff wrote. "I'd drink a cup in the morning just to get out of the house, and then another cup on the drive to work. But...

Hamster Thrown From Remote-Control Monster Truck

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | News

MILTON, MA–Tragedy was narrowly averted in the Bourke household Monday, when Harry, the family's pet hamster, was violently thrown from the 4" by... more»
Hilarious Love Letter Found In Street

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | News

"Oh, my God, check it out," said Eastern Michigan junior Trent Meijer, excitedly reading the letter to fellow junior Matt Sweeney. "'You are like a... more»
Everything In Entire World Now Collectible

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | News

KIRKLAND, WA–In this suburb of Seattle, a man stops off for bread and milk on his way home from work. He's excited about his purchases, but not... more»
Man From Canada Acts Like He's Not Cold

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | News In Brief

BOSTON–While visiting family in Boston, Geoff MacArdle of Ottawa refused to admit that he was cold Monday. "This is nothing–this is like May in... more»
15,000 Years Of Human Artistic Endeavor Culminate In See Spot Run

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–More than 15 millennia of human artistic endeavor, stretching back to the Lascaux cave paintings of the Magdalenian Age, have... more»
Congress Adds 'All Your Base Are Belong To Us' Amendment To Bankruptcy Bill

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Seeking to increase fiscal accountability among citizens who have no chance to survive make their time, the House of Representatives... more»
Control Freak Wishes She Had More Free Time

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | News In Brief

CHICAGO–Leo Burnett advertising executive and control freak Suzanne Kreutz lamented her lack of free time Monday while reworking a Kellogg's print... more»
Company You've Never Heard Of Wants To Reward You For Your Good Credit

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | News In Brief

TAMPA, FL–Regent Financial Services, a Tampa-based company you've never heard of, is so impressed with your responsible spending and timely... more»
Reverend Blessed With Nine-Inch Penis

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | News In Photos
Robert De Niro To Turn 58 For Movie Role

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | News In Photos
Education Is The Key To Cleaning Up This Apartment

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | Commentary

My fellow housemates, I have heard your concerns and, believe me, I share them. Look around you. What do you see? A sink overflowing with unwashed... more»
Don't Talk To Me About Problems

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. What's the deal behind your steering wheel? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had some shit to contend with.... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 21, 2001

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | Horoscopes

You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his... more»
Preventing Military Mishaps

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | Infographic

The U.S. military has committed numerous deadly blunders of late, including the accidental sinking of a Japanese fishing trawler and the bombing of... more»
Groups Banned From Marching In The St. Patrick's Day Parade

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | Statshot
How Real Is Reality TV?

issue 3710 | 03.21.01 | What Do You Think?

Survivor and other reality-based TV shows have come under fire of late, with former participants charging that aspects of the programs are... more»