Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 28, 2001 - April 3, 2001 | Issue 37•11

As Real-Estate Agent, Area Man's Appearance Crucial

GRANGER, IN–Looking good is an essential component of Gregg Rafalski's success as a real-estate agent, the 35-year-old RE/MAX employee asserted Monday. "As a real-estate agent, my appearance is crucial," Rafalski said. "On any given day, I'm interacting with a large number of people: clients, property owners, business associates. It's of the utmost importance that I...

Cardinals Blasted For Negative Campaign Tactics In Papal Race

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | News

VATICAN CITY–As the health of Pope John Paul II erodes and, with it, the next papal election draws near, many Catholic Church officials have... more»
57 Lawmakers Feared Dead In Senate Mine Disaster

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Despite bipartisan struggles, there has been nothing but brotherhood to help find the senators who disappeared down the mine shaft. more»
Girlfriend Changes Man Into Someone She's Not Interested In

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | News

CHARLOTTE, NC–After two and a half years of subtle prodding and manipulation, Jill Nickles has finally molded boyfriend Brendan Eiler into the sort... more»
Pillsbury Doughboy Killed By Skittish, Broom-Wielding Housewife

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | News In Brief

BOWIE, MD–Kenneth Fresh, 34, son of original Pillsbury doughboy Marv "Poppin'" Fresh, was killed Monday when a startled housewife beat him to death... more»
Repressed Molestation Memory Not What It Was Built Up To Be

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | News In Brief

WEEHAWKEN, NJ–After 22 months of therapy, Kathy Stebbins' long-repressed childhood memory of sexual abuse at the hands of her uncle finally... more»
Giant Blood Clot Dislodges From Your Femoral Artery

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | News In Brief

CIRCULATORY SYSTEM–According to lower-extremity sources, a blood clot two to three times larger than necessary to cause a heart attack has broken... more»
Man Won't Stop Coming Up With New Sniglets

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | News In Brief

STOCKTON, CA–Nearly 20 years after the briefly popular lexicographic fad made its debut on HBO's Not Necessarily The News, local resident... more»
Fifth-Grader Writes 'Mrs. Alan Greenspan' All Over Her Notebook

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | News In Brief

INDEPENDENCE, MO–Brianna Kilgore, 11, a fifth-grader at Westlake Elementary School, was observed scribbling "Mrs. Alan Greenspan" an estimated 200... more»
Phalanx Of Lawyers Stares Hungrily From Back Cover Of Phone Book

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | News In Photos
Prairie Dog Town Rezoned For Commercial Use

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | News In Photos
Why Can't We Have A Nice Igloo Like The Meekitjuks Next Door?

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | Commentary

This so-called "igloo" of ours, dear, is a complete embarrassment. Some days, I don't even want to be seen crawling out of the entrance. Now, the... more»
Oh, I'm No Good With Soap

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | Commentary

Barely a day goes by when someone doesn't scrunch their nose at me and say, "Hey, Roger, don't you believe in using soap?" To which I reply, "Oh, I... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 28, 2001

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | Horoscopes

Stop worrying so much about what your friends think. You should only care about the opinions of decent people. more»
20 Years of MTV

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | Infographic

MTV is celebrating its 20th anniversary this year. Among the music channel's highlights: more»
New Celestial Seasonings Flavors

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | Statshot
Hispanic U.S.A.

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | What Do You Think?

In a historic demographic shift, Census officials reported last week that Hispanics have passed African-Americans as the nation's largest minority.... more»
Bicycle-Safety Tips

issue 3711 | 03.28.01 | Tips

Warm weather is just around the corner, and soon it will be time to dust off those bicycles. Here are some tips for safe riding: more»