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March 4, 2001 - March 10, 2001 | Issue 37•12

Neurotic Woman Turns To Neurotic Friends For Support

ANNAPOLIS, MD–In times of crisis, local neurotic Beth Haller is thankful to have a support network to turn to: her group of equally neurotic friends. "My friends are so important to me," said 36-year-old Haller, tearing up as she spoke. "They're always there for me, and I do my best to be there for them." Haller and her three closest friends, Shannon Olbrich, Jennifer...

The JFK Jr. Tragedy:

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | News

It's hard to believe, but it has been maybe a year or so since America lost its prince, John F. Kennedy Jr. more»
Action Figures Set Cubicle Apart

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | News

FAIRFIELD, OH—Ron Pelinka's vast array of dolls and action figures distinguish him from the other drones of the working class. more»
General Motors Reports Record Sales Of New Disposable Car

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | News

DETROIT—At $1,100 apiece, the GMC Whims are flying out of showrooms as quickly as dealers can stock them. more»
Abandoned Mall Retains Eerie Vestiges Of Fun Shopping Atmosphere

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | News In Brief

ROSEVILLE, MN–The silent hull of Northlands Mall disquieted Erik Sandvig Monday, when the local man gazed through the locked glass doors of what... more»
Tenants Feel Guilty Asking Elderly Maintenance Man To Fix Anything

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | News In Brief

BOSTON–Tenants in the apartment building at 437 Market St. reported Monday that they experience a gnawing feeling of guilt every time they ask Hank... more»
Everything A Goddamn Ordeal In Area Family

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | News In Brief

HUNTINGTON, WV–Absolutely everything, from ordering a pizza to going out to the movies, has to be a huge goddamn ordeal for the Flemings, father... more»
Oscar Countdown 2002 Begins

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–With just 50 weeks to go before the big event, the buzz surrounding the 2002 Academy Awards is beginning to build. "Will Tom Hanks... more»
Citizens To Vote On Young Or Old Reagan For $15 Bill

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–On the heels of the Ronald Reagan Airport and U.S.S. Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier, citizens can now vote for one of two portraits... more»
Jenna Elfman Mentally Prepares Answer To Inevitable Question About Her Outfit

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | News In Photos
Yak Chews Thoughtfully

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | News In Photos
Bereaved? Come Bathe In The Healing Light Of My Cock

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | Commentary

Are you bereaved from the loss of a loved one? Are you all alone in this world, with nowhere to turn? Are you one of the billions of wounded souls... more»
Russell Crowe Has Something To 'Crowe' About... An Oscar Win!

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | Columnists

Item! In case you're on Mars or something, here's a news flash: The Oscars happened! I always get cable this time of year so I... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 4, 2001

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | Horoscopes

here comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely. more»
Disney's Cost Cutting Measures

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | Infographic

Disney recently laid off 4,000 workers in an effort to reduce costs. What other steps is the company taking to improve to its bottom line? more»
Least Common Tax-Deductions

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | Statshot
Global Warming Heats Up

issue 3712 | 03.04.01 | What Do You Think?

Last week, President Bush rejected the 1997 Kyoto Protocol, which requires industrialized nations to curb greenhouse-gas emissions. What do... more»