Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 11, 2001 - April 17, 2001 | Issue 37•13

Hero Citizen Can Name All 50 States

FAYETTEVILLE, AR–Local resident Carl Sutton was recognized by Fayetteville officials Monday for his "unique and patriotic" ability to name all 50 United States. "I am proud to call Carl Sutton one of Fayetteville's own," said Mayor Gordon Semple, who awarded Sutton a special citation at the city's American Legion Hall. "Very few people possess the skill to name all...

Accountants Pack Times Square For Fiscal New Year

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | News

NEW YORK–Amidst a blizzard of white, yellow, and pink forms in triplicate, a jubilant crowd of more than 800,000 accountants jammed Times Square... more»
Teacher Of The Year Awards 'A Fashion Nightmare'

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | News

RALEIGH, NC—Frumpy and unflattering were the watchwords at Saturday's North Carolina Teachers Association Awards. more»
Navy Admiral Considers Death Of Son Within Acceptable Loss Range

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | News

SAN DIEGO–At a Monday press conference from the steps of his home, Navy Admiral William McManus categorized the death of his son in a weekend car... more»
Fifth Level Of Video Game Reached During Phone Call To Mom

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | News In Brief

LONGMONT, CO–While speaking on the phone with his mother Monday, Sega Dreamcast enthusiast Jon Grebe, 22, defeated Sarge to reach the fifth level... more»
Bruce Vilanch Sodomized By Homosexual

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–In an act "so heinous, it defies the imagination," famed awards-show joke writer and Hollywood Squares regular Bruce Vilanch... more»
Role Of Tree Ineptly Played By Second-Grader

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | News In Brief

POPLAR BLUFF, MO–Critics savaged Monday's underwhelming stage debut of second-grader Kimberly Bauer, who "fumbled and stumbled her way" through the... more»
Report: Clinton Accepted Rebate While In Office Depot

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report in Monday's Washington Post, on Jan. 14, Bill Clinton accepted a $60 rebate on an O'Sullivan office... more»
Nation Awaits Word On Today's Slam Dunks

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | News In Brief

BRISTOL, CT–As of press time, an anxious nation continues to wait for word on today's NBA slam dunks. "The moment we have any information on any... more»
New Grill To Revive Foreman-Ali Rivalry

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | News In Photos
That Same Guy With The Glasses At Every Rock Show

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | News In Photos
I've Got A New Soup That Will Knock Campbell's On Its Ass

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | Commentary

When you think soup, who do you think of? Campbell's. Everyone does. They're considered the masters. That's why they have soup in every goddamn... more»
Ask The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | Advice

The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 11, 2001

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | Horoscopes

When you said no one could tell you how to live your life, you forgot about the warden and all those guards. more»
Rosie The Magazine

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | Infographic

The debut of Rosie, talk-show host Rosie O'Donnell's new magazine hit newsstands April 2. What are some of its features? more»
Most Popular Easter-Sermon Topics

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | Statshot
The U.S.-China Standoff

issue 3713 | 04.11.01 | What Do You Think?

Last week, China detained 24 Navy officers after their spy plane collided with a Chinese jet. What do you think about the escalating tensions... more»