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May 2, 2001 - May 8, 2001 | Issue 37•16

Area Man's Free Time Monopolized By Friend With No Other Friends

PHILADELPHIA–A disproportionate amount of area resident Chris Blakely's free time is monopolized by Spencer Reuss, whose only friend is Blakely. "I like Spencer and everything, but our friendship is way skewed," Blakely said Monday. "I have about 20 friends, so, statistically speaking, I should only be hanging with Spencer, like, 5 percent of the time. But I see him...

God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | News

NEW HAVEN, CT—The new diagnosis helps explain the contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled theologians for years. more»
Local Man Exhausted After Long Day Of Video Games

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | News

SAGINAW, MI–Jon Broskowski, a 32-year-old Saginaw liquor-store clerk, described himself as "completely wiped" Monday after a long, hard day of... more»
Lowest Common Denominator Continues To Plummet

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–The lowest common denominator (LCD), the leading cultural indicator for American mass-market tastes, continued its precipitous drop... more»
American Gladiator Still Insists Friends Call Him 'Turbo'

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | News In Brief

LIMA, IN–More than five years after his last appearance on the syndicated program American Gladiators, Dale "Turbo" Brandt continues to... more»
Slight Inconvenience Avoided

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | News In Brief

ST. LOUIS–Area resident Jim Shaffer avoided slight inconvenience Monday, thanks to Jhirmack's new "upside-down" shampoo bottle. "If I'd been using... more»
Maxim Skimmed

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | News In Brief

DALLAS–A copy of Maxim magazine was skimmed Monday by subscriber Steve Reiger, who briefly flipped through the May issue before tossing it... more»
Trucking Industry Honors Methamphetamines

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | News In Brief

KANSAS CITY–At its national convention Monday, the National Trucking Association bestowed its highest honor on methamphetamines. "Methamphetamines,... more»
Asian Man Has Thing For Asian Women

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | News In Brief

TOKYO–Shoji Furukawa, a 33-year-old Tokyo man, confessed Monday to a fetish for Asian women. "For some reason, as long as I can remember, I've... more»
First-Grade Teacher Apprehends Urinator

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | News In Brief

NEWARK, DE–The mysterious Coat Room Urinator, who for weeks terrorized Mrs. Collinsworth's first-grade class at Lakeview Elementary School, was... more»
Attorney, Client Privileged

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | News In Photos
That One McDonald's Plate From The '70s: Holy Shit, There It Is

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | News In Photos
I'm Such A Shitty Senator

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | Commentary

I've been "serving" the great state of Montana in the U.S. Senate since 1978. You'll notice I put "serving" in quotes, because, let's face it, I... more»
I Have Returned, Baby

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | Columnists

Girl, you knew I could not stay away for long. more»
Horoscope for the week of May 2, 2001

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | Horoscopes

You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week. more»
Bracing For The Writers' Strike

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | Infographic

May 1 was the deadline for the Writers Guild Of America strike. What have TV and movie executives done to prepare? more»
What Did We Think We'd Be Doing With Our Lives By Now?

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | Statshot
W's First Hundred Days

issue 3716 | 05.02.01 | What Do You Think?

On Monday, George W. Bush reached the 100-day mark of his presidency. What do you think of the job he's done so far? more»