Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 9, 2001 - May 15, 2001 | Issue 37•17

New Technological Breakthrough To Fix Problems Of Previous Breakthrough

COLLEGE STATION, TX–Agricultural scientists around the world are hailing what is being called "the biggest breakthrough in biotechnology since the breakthrough it fixes." On Monday, Texas A&M chemists unveiled Zovirex-10, a revolutionary new fungicide capable of halting the spread of a fungus unexpectedly spawned by a July 2000 breakthrough, an advanced soy...

Site Of Fatal Auto Accident Tritely Commemorated

issue 3717 | 05.09.01 | News

MOUND CITY, KS–A ribbon of blacktop called Highway 52 runs through the heart of this tiny eastern Kansas town. Not much distinguishes this road... more»
Nation's Porn Stars Demand To Be Fucked Harder

issue 3717 | 05.09.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A coalition of U.S. porn stars gathered in the nation's capital to reverse a trend toward underfucking. more»
Work Avoided Through Extensive List-Making

issue 3717 | 05.09.01 | News

FORT WAYNE, IN—Julie Smalley got right to avoiding work Monday, hunkering down and drafting to-do lists all day. more»
New Dog Sick Of Being Compared To Old One

issue 3717 | 05.10.01 | News In Brief

PRESTON, MO–Patches, the Layden family's new dog, expressed frustration Monday over the constant comparisons to his predecessor, who died in... more»
Guy On Racetrack P.A. Sounds A Little Depressed Today

issue 3717 | 05.10.01 | News In Brief

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY–Gordon Asheton, public-address announcer at Saratoga Racetrack, seemed a bit distant Monday, track regular Brad Herman... more»
Child Lies For Parents' Own Good

issue 3717 | 05.10.01 | News In Brief

CONCORD, NH–Area 9-year-old Andrew Mota lied to his parents Monday, telling them that he was at the park after school and sparing them the... more»
Health-Food-Store Worker Dies Of Vitamin Lung

issue 3717 | 05.10.01 | News In Brief

SAUSALITO, CA–Duane Cristopher, longtime manager of the Brooks Street Health Food Co-op, died Sunday following a three-month battle with vitamin... more»
Man Nods Knowingly At Mechanic

issue 3717 | 05.10.01 | News In Brief

GREENSBORO, NC–Attempting to conceal his ignorance of car repair, area resident Dave Snell, 39, nodded knowingly Monday as mechanic Bill Kreuter... more»
North Dakota Drinks Itself To Sleep Again

issue 3717 | 05.10.01 | News In Brief

BISMARCK, ND–Exhausted from another hard day in the wheat fields, the state of North Dakota drank itself to sleep Monday with the bottle of Old... more»
After Careful Consideration, Bush Recommends Oil Drilling

issue 3717 | 05.09.01 | News In Photos
Televised Sporting Event Completely Obscured By On-Screen Graphics

issue 3717 | 05.09.01 | News In Photos
Beer Commercials Aren't What They Used To Be

issue 3717 | 05.09.01 | Commentary

In these modern times, the concept of workmanship, of taking pride in one's craft, has gone the way of Nagel paintings, the Thompson Twins, and... more»
Ask The Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club Meeting

issue 3717 | 05.09.01 | Advice

The Shawano Kiwanis Club Minutes, 5/5/01, is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask the Minutes From A Heated Kiwanis Club... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

issue 3717 | 05.09.01 | Horoscopes

Please help clean up your world! After all, your mother doesn't live here, at least not after next Thursday. more»
TiVo Fever

issue 3717 | 05.09.01 | Infographic

TiVo, which enables TV viewers to customize programming to their tastes, is proving to wildly popular. What are some of the system's failures? more»
Rejected Euphemisms For The Disabled

issue 3717 | 05.09.01 | Statshot
Kerrey's Secret Shame

issue 3717 | 05.09.01 | What Do You Think?

Last week, former senator Bob Kerrey admitted that a raid he led in the Vietnam War resulted in the deaths of at least 13 unarmed women and children.... more»