Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 9, 2001 - May 15, 2001 | Issue 37•19

Mom Brought To Tears By Thing Picked Up At Airport

COLUMBIA, MO–Joan Hadler, a Columbia-area mother of three, wept tears of joy Monday over a cheap, last-minute present her visiting son Troy bought at an airport gift shop en route home. "I had a layover in St. Louis and had about an hour to kill. There was a gift shop called 'That's Something Else' in the C Concourse, so I figured, 'Hey, I should pick up something...

High-School Senior Marvels At What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | News

FREDERICK, MD—Brian Moeller, musing during a yearbook signing, said so much crazy stuff went down, he can't even begin to explain. more»
Russia Acquires Amway Distributorship

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | News

MOSCOW–The struggling nation of Russia took a major step toward getting out of debt and achieving financial independence Monday, when it became an... more»
Pro Athlete Lauded For Being Decent Human Being

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | News

MILWAUKEE–Ray Allen, Milwaukee Bucks guard and budding NBA superstar, is drawing raves on and off the court, hailed by admirers as "not an asshole"... more»
Family Not Appreciably Enriched By Trip To Mount Rushmore

issue 3719 | 05.10.01 | News In Brief

KEYSTONE, SD–Despite predictions to the contrary, the Lurmans' visit to Mount Rushmore failed to enrich the Portage, MI, family or bring its... more»
Area Woman Can't Understand Concept of Suggested Donation

issue 3719 | 05.10.01 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–During a Tuesday visit to the American Museum of Natural History, Omaha resident Mary Stefano, 49, struggled to understand the concept of... more»
Vast Array Of Lip-Balm Options Paralyzes Shopper

issue 3719 | 05.10.01 | News In Brief

PLANT CITY, FL–Looking for relief for her dry, chapped lips, Walgreens shopper Danielle Liddle was paralyzed with indecision Monday upon... more»
Man Hoping To Accidentally See Roommate's Girlfriend Naked

issue 3719 | 05.10.01 | News In Brief

ATLANTA–Steve Smidlap, 23, roommate of Andy Cordova, admitted Monday that he is hoping to "accidentally" catch a glimpse of Cordova's girlfriend... more»
Supreme Court Agrees To Disagree On Abortion Issue

issue 3719 | 05.10.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–After decades of divisive debate, the U.S. Supreme Court finally agreed to disagree Monday on the hot-button issue of abortion. "It... more»
New Toyota SUV Holds Eight Passengers And Their SUVs

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | News In Photos
John Ashcroft: 'Obey'

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | News In Photos
I Guess You Could Say Lying On Couches Has Been A Lifelong Love Of Mine

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | Commentary

There are some things in life we all enjoy: the beauty of an ocean sunset, a tall glass of lemonade on a hot summer's afternoon, the warm glow of a... more»
My Weed Connection Is Dried Up

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. Whaddaya say? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been tied up lately. Actually, I meant "pissed off," not... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | Horoscopes

You won't be aware that there's a Citizens' Coalition To Stop The Igniting Of Cats until they knock on your door next Wednesday. more»
China's Olympic Bid

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | Infographic

Beijing is in competition with Toronto and Paris to host the 2008 Summer Games. What are the Chinese doing to win over the International Olympic... more»
Least Requested Personalized License Plates

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | Statshot
The Medical-Marijuana Ban

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the Supreme Court ruled 8-0 that federal law does not allow a "medical necessity" exception to the ban on marijuana use. What do... more»
Moving-Day Tips

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | Tips

Moving can be a major hassle, but with proper planning, it doesn't have to be. Here are some tips to make your next move as smooth as possible: more»