Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 30, 2001 - June 5, 2001 | Issue 37•20

Wal-Mart Opens Store In Winesburg, Ohio

WINESBURG, OH–In a move retail-industry insiders are calling "thematically fitting," Wal-Mart opened its newest store Monday in Winesburg, a town of 25,000 in northern Ohio. "We chose Winesburg due to its convenient location, relative lack of competing retail superstores, and the darkly powerful inner lives of its residents," said Thomas Coughlin, president and CEO...

Dot-Commers To Receive Unemployment Benefits In Form Of Stock Options

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Offering unemployment aid with "a huge potential upside" to the approximately 100,000 Americans who lost their jobs in the New... more»
Bush Actually President, Nation Suddenly Realizes

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–More than four months after his Jan. 20 inauguration, the realization that George W. Bush is actually president of the United States... more»
Best Friends Each Secretly Think Of The Other As Sidekick

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | News

OXFORD, OH—Though neither has openly acknowledged it, Marc Morrell and Justin Rotham each regard the other as a sidekick. more»
Average Age Of Wacky TV Neighbors Dropping

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | News In Brief

ATLANTA–According to a Center For Media Studies report released Monday, the average age of wacky TV-sitcom neighbors has steadily declined over the... more»
Mediocre Painter's True Talent Lies In Acting Like A Painter

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–According to art critics, mediocre painter James Augustiniak has proven masterful at cultivating the self-centered, womanizing demeanor... more»
America A Fascist Police State, Stoned Underage Drunk Driver Charges

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | News In Brief

SMYRNA, GA–Outraged by the brutal suppression of civil liberties that has defined the nation's history, stoned 15-year-old Corey Shifflett... more»
Longtime Sexual Fantasy Awkwardly Fulfilled

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | News In Brief

LEXINGTON, KY–The longtime sexual fantasy of Andrew Marcone was awkwardly fulfilled Saturday, when the local record-store clerk participated in a... more»
Hidden Valley Ranch Bombed By Balsamic Extremists

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | News In Brief

HIDDEN VALLEY, CA–A radical Balsamic fundamentalist group detonated an estimated 800 pounds of TNT at the Hidden Valley Ranch compound Monday,... more»
Destiny's Child Referred To As 'Feminist Icons' With Straight Face

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | News In Photos

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Promotional Jacket Worn Everywhere

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | News In Photos
There's More To Life Than Just Traveling The World And Marveling At Its Varied Peoples And Cultures

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | Commentary

I guess we inherit a certain worldview from our parents. My father was a reporter for National Geographic, and my mother was the photographer... more»
Just Being Neighborly

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | Columnists

You know, you'd think a genuine people-person like me would have friends coming out the wazoo. But other than Patti and Fulgencio, and my two sweet... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 30, 2001

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | Horoscopes

You're known to all as a person who doesn't bother hiding her feeling. That's not a typo. You've only got one. more»
Pearl Harbor's Historical Innacuracies

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | Infographic

Pearl Harbor, the Jerry Bruckheimer blockbuster that opened May 25, is no 100 percent historically accurate. What are some of its flaws? more»
Why Aren't We Able To Feel Anything In Our Toes?

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | Statshot
The Jeffords Defection

issue 3720 | 05.30.01 | What Do You Think?

Last week, U.S. Sen. James Jeffords of Vermont left the GOP to become an independent, handing control of the Senate to the Democrats. What do... more»