Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 6, 2001 - June 12, 2001 | Issue 37•21

Every Brand Of Alcohol Reminds Man Of A Different Story

HALLANDALE, FL–Randy Streeter, a 32-year-old sales associate at Guitar Center, has a different anecdote for every brand of alcohol. "Oh, man, Malibu. That takes me back," said Streeter, browsing the shelves of a liquor store while picking up a bottle of wine for a dinner party. "At Mardi Gras one year, me and my buddy Mo got totally smashed on that stuff at Pat...

Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks'

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | News

DALLAS—Haggar's new wrinkle-free slacks represent the first wearable pair of non-Newtonian pants. more»
Mom-And-Pop Loan Sharks Being Driven Out By Big Credit-Card Companies

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | News

PHILADELPHIA—People like Frank Pistone are part of a dying breed whose way of life is being endangered by the likes of American Express. more»
Author Wishes She Hadn't Blown Personal Tragedy On First Book

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | News

SANTA FE, NM–Author Jessica Kingley expressed regret Monday that she had "pretty much used up all the hardship" from her early life in her recent... more»
Woman Wonders Whatever Happened To Those Rainforests She Gave $5 To Save That One Time

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | News In Brief

NORTHGATE, CO–Audra Smoller, 39, who donated $5 to the Save The Rainforests organization in 1997, was struck with curiosity Monday about the fate... more»
Heroic Cancer Sufferer Inspires Others To Get Cancer

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | News In Brief

SAN DIEGO–Diagnosed three months ago with terminal lymphoma, David Bradley, 46, has stood as such a stirring example of courage in the face of... more»
Area Man Wants Something Made Of Titanium

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | News In Brief

PENDLETON, OR–Anthony Schilling is hoping to acquire something made of titanium, the 43-year-old claims adjuster reported Monday. "I can't afford a... more»
Church Member Not The Same Since Unsuccessful Choir Tryout

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | News In Brief

PORTLAND, ME–According to parishioners at St. Luke's Episcopal Church, Mary Raines, 58, has "not been the same" since her unsuccessful audition for... more»
Bush Picks Up 20 Copies Of Washington Post He's In

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–President Bush made a special trip to his local newsstand Monday to purchase 20 copies of that day's Washington Post, the... more»
Ben Stiller Peels Banana With Own Feet

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | News In Photos
Foul Play Suspected In Destruction Of World's Second-Largest Ball Of Twine

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | News In Photos
Actually, On-The-Job Safety Is A Laughing Matter

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | Commentary

As a factory metalworker, I enjoy almost limitless opportunities to be maimed or killed. The Red River plant where I work has its own foundry,... more»
Guard Yo' Grill Against Them Computa Bitchez

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | Columnists

Yo, whassup, Gs? H-Dog in tha house. Do all y'all recall, back in tha day, tha beef between tha Accountz Reeceevable posse an' tha west-wing Tech... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 6, 2001

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | Horoscopes

You will realize that just because an idea comes to you in a dream doesn't make it any good after spending millions establishing a... more»
Yoga Nation

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | Infographic

Yoga is more popular than ever in the U.S. Why are so many Americans taking up the practice? more»
Least Used Kitsch References

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | Statshot
Human Rights And The U.S.

issue 3721 | 06.06.01 | What Do You Think?

Recently ousted from the U.N. Human Rights Commission, the U.S. is no longer the world's human-rights leader, according to Amnesty International.... more»