Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 13, 2001 - June 19, 2001 | Issue 37•22

Surgeon General: Americans Have Gigantic Fat Asses

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report released Monday by the Surgeon General's office, 67 percent of U.S. citizens have gigantic fat asses, with that number projected to climb significantly in the next decade. The report is the latest in a string of dire findings from Surgeon General David Satcher concerning the high percentage of Americans who suffer from fatness of...

Non-Controversial Christ Painting Under Fire From Art Community

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | News

NEW YORK–Miguel Nunez, a Brooklyn-based artist, has sparked protest and outrage within the art community with his "Jesus Rising #4," a... more»
Nation In Love With Girl From Record Store

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | News

ATHENS, GA—The U.S. populace sheepishly admitted they are captivated by her off-the-charts hipness. more»
Gay Man Really Respects Dolly Parton For All She's Been Through

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | News

KANSAS CITY, MO–Rich Fontenot, a Kansas City-area homosexual and longtime Dolly Parton fan, announced Monday that he "totally respects" Parton for... more»
Vatican Declares Hours Between 3 A.M., 5:30 A.M. 'Ungodly'

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | News In Brief

VATICAN CITY–In the first papal edict against a time of day since 1560, Pope John Paul II declared the two-and-a-half-hour interval between 3 a.m.... more»
Astronomers Admit They Made Neptune Up

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | News In Brief

LONDON–An elaborate, 155-year-old hoax was revealed Monday, when the Royal Astronomical Society confessed that the planet Neptune does not exist.... more»
Partygoer Vows To Fix Keg

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | News In Brief

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA–Insisting that calling the liquor store for assistance is "totally unnecessary," University of Virginia sophomore and... more»
Woman Puts Cool Whip Containers To Every Conceivable Use

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | News In Brief

TERRE HAUTE, IN–According to neighbors, Terre Haute homemaker Barb Lake puts empty Cool Whip non-dairy whipped-topping tubs to a staggering array... more»
Everything Better Now In Oklahoma City

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | News In Brief

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK–Timothy McVeigh's death by lethal injection Monday has made everything perfect in Oklahoma City, his 168 victims' loved ones... more»
Federal Prison System Retires McVeigh's Number

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | News In Photos
Hammered Office Depot Manager Thrown Out Of Chili's

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | News In Photos
You Hurt Me Just Now When You Hit Me With That Shovel

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | Commentary

We've known each other for a long time now, and I think you know I'd never try to stop you from expressing what you feel. But I also have to express... more»
I Have Been Too Generous With My Gum

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | Commentary

I love gum. Anyone who spends time around me knows this to be true. No matter where I am, whether in my home or office or car, I always have at least... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 13, 2001

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | Horoscopes

Your decision to put on a show to save the old malt shop will result in your arrest for public nudity, indecent behavior, and violation of six health... more»
Energy-Drink Mania

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | Infographic

Sales of high-caffeine "energy drinks" like Red Bull are soaring. Why are the beverages so popular? more»
How Big Are Our Bongs?

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | Statshot
The $3 Billion Judgment

issue 3722 | 06.13.01 | What Do You Think?

Last week, a Los Angeles jury ordered Philip Morris to pay $3 billion in punitive damages to a longtime smoker who has lung cancer. What do... more»