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July 18, 2001 - July 24, 2001 | Issue 37•24

Plan To Straighten Out Entire Life During Weeklong Vacation Yields Mixed Results

MANCHESTER, NH–Returning to work after seven days off, Derek Olson, 31, confessed Monday that his plan to use his weeklong vacation to straighten out his life yielded mixed results. "This was the week all the shit I'd been putting off for years–big and small–was going to get done," said Olson, a data-entry operator at A.G. Edwards & Sons. "From getting Steve...

Bush Vows To Remove Toxic Petroleum From National Parks

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to "restore the pristine splendor of America's natural treasures," President Bush Monday unveiled "Project: National Parks... more»
Department Of Libel: Drew Carey Killed A Guy And Paid To Cover It Up

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Libel, comedian and TV star Drew Carey killed a guy back in the... more»
Teen Mortified After Winning Academic-Achievement Award

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | News

MARION, IN–Grover Cleveland Middle School student Jamie Ganser, 14, expressed mortification and a desire to die Monday upon learning that she had... more»
Elderly Couple Dresses Up For Trip To Denny's

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | News In Brief

VERO BEACH, FL–Wishing to look nice for their evening out, Vero Beach retirees Abe and Bernice Wanamaker dressed up Monday for dinner at a local... more»
Street-Smart Teen Dies In Library

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | News In Brief

CHICAGO–Street-smart teen Larry Witherspoon was found dead Monday at the Michigan Avenue branch of the Chicago Public Library, his urban know-how... more»
Dodgers' Playoff Hopes Dashed Following Acquisition Of Belly Itcher

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–Trailing the first-place Arizona Diamondbacks by three games in the National League West, the Los Angeles Dodgers dealt their own... more»
U.S. To Slow Down Relationship With Uruguay

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Explaining that it is still a relatively young nation and not ready for a permanent trade partner, the U.S. announced Monday that it... more»
300 Naked Women Feared Lost In Computer Crash

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | News In Brief

ELLICOTT CITY, MD–An estimated 300 naked women, including actresses Pamela Anderson and Shannon Elizabeth, are feared lost as the result of a... more»
New Ronco Food Exposer Spoils Food Overnight

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | News In Photos
Friends Of Band Regret Going To Show

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | News In Photos
I Am The Anonymous Hero Who Donated All Those Old Legwarmers To Goodwill

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | Commentary

For months, I have remained silent, desiring no recognition or acclaim for my altruism. Now, however, I feel it is time for me to step forward and... more»
My Lady Has A Beautiful Anus

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | Commentary

How do I love my lady's anus? Let me count the ways. more»
Horoscope for the week of July 18, 2001

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | Horoscopes

Forces beyond your understanding have decreed that you will have a pretty much average week. more»
The New Planet Of The Apes

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | Infographic

Hitting theaters July 27, Planet Of The Apes, Tim Burton's update of the 1968 classic, is generating major buzz. What are people saying about... more»
Top Skatebording Moves

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | Statshot
The Missing Intern

issue 3724 | 07.18.01 | What Do You Think?

Four months after her disappearance, the search continues for Chandra Levy, the 24-year-old intern who had an affair with Rep. Gary Condit (D-CA).... more»