Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 25, 2001 - July 31, 2001 | Issue 37•25

Collecting All 50 State Quarters Senior's Only Reason To Remain Alive

LAKE HAVASU CITY, AZ–Lacking any other reason to continue drawing breath, retiree Raymond Pfaff, 91, clings to life so that he may collect all 50 of the U.S. state quarters, sources reported Tuesday. The quarters, each bearing an iconic image representing its respective state, were first put into circulation in 1999, when Delaware, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Georgia,...

Four Generations Of Americans Demand Sitcom Reparations

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Pressure is building for the nation’s TV networks to offer a formal apology and reparations to four generations of Americans. more»
Gore Upset That Clinton Doesn't Call Anymore

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | News

NEW YORK–Six months after leaving Washington, a despondent Al Gore expressed frustration and sadness Monday that Bill Clinton no longer calls or... more»
Area Man An Expert On What Women Hate

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | News

HOUSTON—Confirmed bachelor Gerald Doelpe is not afraid to advise friends on what not to do during dates. more»
Hair Weave Shaved Off

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | News In Brief

JACKSONVILLE, NC–Choosing the popular "bald look" over a full, rich head of hair, Jacksonville resident Michael Elroy shaved off his $875 hair... more»
Man Realizes He Shouldn't Have Told Girl On Phone He Was Taking Dump

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | News In Brief

GRANBURY, TX–Moments after ending an on-the-toilet phone conversation with a female friend, Bruce Halpern realized Monday that his candor regarding... more»
Police Use Exact Right Amount Of Force To Subdue Suspect

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | News In Brief

CHICAGO–A pair of Chicago police officers earned accolades Monday, when they used the perfect amount of force to subdue 22-year-old robbery suspect... more»
The Backstreet Boys Or 'N Sync Release New Album

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–Pop, the hotly anticipated new album from either The Backstreet Boys or 'N Sync, hit record stores Tuesday. "I'm pretty sure this... more»
Judge Rolls Eyes, Upholds Naughty Baker's First-Amendment Rights

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | News In Brief

LITTLE ROCK, AR–Rolling his eyes and sighing, Judge Howard Kitna of the Arkansas Court Of Appeals upheld Sweet 'N' Nasty erotic-bake-shop owner... more»
Anne Geddes Starting To Lose It

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | News In Photos
Someone's Job Riding On Success Of Antacid Gum

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | News In Photos
You Call This A Doomsday Cult?

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | Commentary

Troubled? Of course I'm troubled. But there's one thing in particular that's bothering me right now. Let me just get this out in the open. I'm very,... more»
Ask A Latina Talk-Show Host

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | Advice

Bonita Salinas-Vicario is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Latina Talk-Show Host, appears in more than 250 newspapers... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 25, 2001

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | Horoscopes

Behavioral scientists Robinson and Godbey once postulated that human activity is almost infinite in meaning and form. Except yours. more»
Jordan Ponders A Comeback

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | Infographic

Michael Jordan, mulling a return to basketball, has said he will make a decision by mid-September. What enticements has the NBA offered to lure him... more»
What Are Our Loved Ones Throwing At Us?

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | Statshot
The Stem-Cell Debate

issue 3725 | 07.25.01 | What Do You Think?

Embryonic stem-cell research, which scientists believe could hold the key to curing many diseases, is strongly opposed by pro-life advocates. What do... more»