Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 15, 2001 - August 21, 2001 | Issue 37•28

Man Alienates Friends With Self-Constructive Behavior

MILWAUKEE, WI–Turning his life around after years of aimlessness, Jay Krouse, 30, has alienated almost everyone around him with his recent upward spiral of self-constructive behavior. "Jay used to be one of the greatest guys to hang with," longtime friend Sean McRoddy said. "He'd always be the first one out drinking at The Red Shed and the last one driving around...

Inexorable March Of Time Brings TV's Jerry Mathers One Step Closer To Death

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The inexorable march of time has brought Leave It To Beaver star Jerry Mathers—and all of us—one step closer to the grave. more»
Endangered Manatee Struggles To Make Self Understood To Congress

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Despite valiant efforts to make itself understood, an endangered West Indian manatee failed to communicate its urgent-sounding... more»
Retired Realtor Drawn Back In For One Last Big Score

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | News

HARRISON, OH—Four months after hanging up his red blazer, Jack Parker was drawn back to sell one more piece of prime realty. more»
ESL Textbook Concentrates On Food-Preparation Vocabulary

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–An English as a Second Language textbook focuses predominantly on food-preparation vocabulary, night-school student Eduardo Reyes reported... more»
Candidate Turns To Focus Group For Position On Rape

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | News In Brief

RICHMOND, VA– Wanting to "feel out the popular attitude before committing to a position," Virginia House of Delegates candidate Mark Earley turned... more»
Director Going With Unknown For Third Marriage

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–James Rudolph, director of Powerplay and Dead By Dawn, announced plans Monday to go with an unknown for the role of his... more»
Cuba To Buy Car

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | News In Brief

HAVANA–In a bid to bring its citizens greater independence, the nation of Cuba decided Tuesday to pool its resources and purchase a car. "We know... more»
Peeping Tom Tired Of Watching People Watch Television

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | News In Brief

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–Jonathan Hargrove, a Colorado Springs-area peeping Tom, expressed exasperation Tuesday, when a fifth consecutive victim did... more»
Laura Bush Noisily Devours Infant

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | News In Photos
Yacht Name Conveys Owner's Easygoing Lifestyle

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | News In Photos
I've Never Been So Accurately Insulted In All My Life

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | Commentary

Well, you crossed the line, that's for sure. I've been insulted before, but until today, I'd never been attacked with such appalling accuracy. I... more»
Up In Smoke

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. What say? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had my balls to the wall lately, working an overnight shift at a... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 15, 2001

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | Horoscopes

If you put too much gasoline on the bandanna over your face, you'll get sick. Not enough and you'll be able to smell the corpses. Strike a balance. more»
Headline News' Makeover

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | Infographic

Last week, CNN Headline News unveiled its much-hyped makeover, intended to lure younger viewers. Among the changes: more»
What Does Someone Have To Do To Get A Drink Around Here?

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | Statshot
Celebrity Meltdowns

issue 3728 | 08.15.01 | What Do You Think?

Mariah Carey, Ben Affleck, and Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean are among the celebrities to check into rehab after recent breakdowns. What do you... more»