Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 22, 2001 - August 28, 2001 | Issue 37•29

Area Man Disappointed To See Short Version Of Commercial

CLEWISTON, FL—A shortened, 30-second version of a one-minute Nike commercial disappointed local bicycle mechanic Paul Hobish Tuesday. "What the hell is that?" asked Hobish, 30, upon seeing the shorter version of the popular Nike "Freestyle" ad, in which various basketball players dribble balls in a dimly lit room. "Normally, all these guys are dribbling and...

Bush Vows To Wipe Out Prescription-Drug Addiction Among Seniors

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Pledging to help "the millions of elderly Americans who can't get through the day without popping pills or shooting up insulin,"... more»
Stephen Jay Gould Speaks Out Against Science Paparazzi

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | News

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Paleontologist and author Stephen Jay Gould spoke out against the increasingly aggressive tactics of the paparazzi Tuesday, railing... more»
Family Of Five Found Alive In Suburbs

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | News

BUFFALO GROVE, IL—The Holsapple family, long feared missing or spiritually dead, was found alive in the Chicago suburbs Monday, somehow managing to... more»
Friend's Wife Encountered Twice A Year

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | News In Brief

GERMANTOWN, TN—Local resident Wayne Beller has encountered Dennis Sharp's wife 12 times during the pair's six-year friendship. "For some reason,... more»
Partygoers Drunkenly Recite 4-H Pledge

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | News In Brief

MISSOULA, MT—The 4-H pledge was drunkenly recalled Saturday, when a trio of former 4-H members recited the international youth organization's oath... more»
Semiotics Department Accuses University Administration Of Anti-Semiotism

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | News In Brief

PROVIDENCE, RI—After years of budget cuts and downsizing, Brown University's Semiotics Department lashed out at school administrators Monday,... more»
According To Nutritional Information, Local Man Just Had 16 Servings Of Fritos

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | News In Brief

WAUKESHA, WI—According to the nutritional information on the back of a bag of Fritos, area resident Jerry Ploeg just ate 16 servings of the popular... more»
Bank Robbers Fail To Consider O'Reilly Factor

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | News In Brief

PITTSBURGH, PA—Would-be bank robbers Anthony Nesco, 34, and James Dumas, 36, were foiled Monday after failing to take into account the O'Reilly... more»
Cat Speed-Dials Ex-Girlfriend

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | News In Photos
NASCAR Logo Slowly Creeping Across U.S.

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | News In Photos
Mary-Kate Olsen Is Dragging Ashley Down

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | Commentary

Mary-Kate Olsen. I don't even know where to begin. more»
I Wish I Were Happy Like The People In The Electronics-Store Flyer

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | Commentary

I suppose I've never really had what you'd call a "zest for living." I've always just sort of slogged through life. Everything seems so... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 22, 2001

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | Horoscopes

You will finally begin to understand the events of last Thursday after studying the work of Taiwanese mathematician Shi-Shyr Roan. more»
The Teacher Shortage

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | Infographic

America is suffering a severe shortage of schoolteachers. What incentives are being offered to draw more people to the profession? more»
What's Our Excuse For Not Visiting Historic St. Louis?

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | Statshot
The Clone Wars

issue 3729 | 08.22.01 | What Do You Think?

Across the U.S. and on Capitol Hill, debate is raging on the issue of human cloning. What do you think? more»