Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 29, 2001 - September 4, 2001 | Issue 37•30

Man Has Mixed Feelings About Having Disease Named After Him

CHICOPEE, MA—In the three years since Dominic Quinn was diagnosed with a previously undetected gastrointestinal disorder, he's become a household name. Yet, for all his notoriety, the 44-year-old Chicopee claims adjuster remains ambivalent about being the Quinn behind Quinn's Disease. "I suppose it's an honor," Quinn told reporters Monday. "I mean, how many people get...

Nation's Shirtless, Shoeless March On Washington For Equal-Service Rights

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Protesting years of discriminatory treatment at the hands of America's restaurants and stores, an estimated 800,000 shirtless and... more»
Helvetica Bold Oblique Sweeps Fontys

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | News

LOS ANGELES—Helvetica Bold Oblique was the big winner at Tuesday's 73rd Annual Fonty Awards, taking home 11 statues, including those for Best Sans... more»
Recently Divorced Man Thinks Everyone Else's Relationship Is In Trouble

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | News

SCRANTON, PA—Roger Dittman, whose four-year marriage ended in June, is convinced that the romantic relationships of all his friends and... more»
Dome-Home Sales Somehow Manage To Dip Even Lower

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | News In Brief

AUGUSTA, ME—Despite already negligible figures, sales of geodesic-dome dwellings somehow managed to drop even further in the second quarter of... more»
Trio Of Cutups Attempts To Hide Horse From Landlord

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Confusion, embarrassment, and severe cranial trauma were the order of the day Tuesday, when local numbskulls Louis Feinberg, Moses... more»
New Robert Altman Film Released Straight To Special-Edition Director's-Cut DVD

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Super Sunday, the latest film from acclaimed director Robert Altman, will be released straight to special collector's-edition... more»
Husband Apologizing In Sleep

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | News In Brief

OGDEN, UT—For the third time in as many nights, Chuck Grimstead apologized to wife Olivia in his sleep Monday. "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't... more»
Community Rallies To Save Eyesore

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | News In Brief

HUBBARD, IA—Hubbard residents came out in force Monday to protest the planned Sept. 1 demolition of an unsightly, 1930s-era silo to make room for a... more»
John Ashcroft Frolics In Secret Vault Of Winnie-The-Pooh Toys

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | News In Photos
Teens Find This One Hilarious Store

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | News In Photos
I'm Not Afraid To Try Popular New Things

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | Commentary

The world is made up of two kinds of people: those who cling to the tired, old status quo and those who fearlessly embrace the new status quo. Me, I... more»
Julia And Benjamin: Say Goodbye To The New Camelot!

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | Columnists

Item! Why is it that the best-looking couples never stay together? Megastar Julia Roberts and ethnically ambiguous actor Benjamin... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 29, 2001

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | Horoscopes

You have never been successful at the game of love, but at least you've finally figured out that the rules are similar to those of Scrabble. more»
Jesse Helms' Retirement Plans

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | Infographic

After 29 years on Capitol Hill, Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC) recently announced he will not seek a sixth term in 2002. What are Helm’s retirement plans? more»
What Is The Weird Guy In The Coffee Shop Sketching?

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | Statshot
The OxyContin Epidemic

issue 3730 | 08.29.01 | What Do You Think?

OxyContin, a powerful prescription painkiller whose effects have been compared to heroin's, is being abused by a soaring number of drug addicts. What... more»