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September 5, 2001 - September 11, 2001 | Issue 37•31

Government Encroachment On Individual Liberties At All-Time High, Says Guy At Party

ANN ARBOR, MI—Individual freedom is ebbing in the U.S. due to steady government encroachment, Ann Arbor resident and camera-store employee Adam Britt told guests at a party Tuesday. "Our way of thinking has shifted so that the individual, not corrupt private and public institutions, shoulders the blame for society's ills," Britt told fellow partygoer Jim Kass while...

God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | News

SOUTH BRONX, NY—The Lord Almighty announced He has mad love for every nigga who has given Him props throughout the years. more»
Plan To Get Laid At DragonCon 2001 Fails

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | News

CALHOUN FALLS, SC—Garry Melcher's plans to have sexual intercourse at last weekend's DragonCon 2001 were unsuccessful, the 27-year-old comic-book... more»
Tow-Truck Driver Has Great Idea For Tow-Truck Movie

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | News

BUTTE, MT—Bob Beresford, a tow-truck driver with 11 years of experience at Central Montana Service & Salvage, announced Monday that he has a great... more»
Friendly Note To Coworker Undergoes Eight Revisions

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | News In Brief

WILMINGTON, DE—A brief note from United Family Insurance employee Martin Schatz to a coworker regarding storage-closet office supplies went through... more»
Disney Still Throwing Word 'Classic' Around Like So Much Confetti

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The Walt Disney Company referred to an obscure, unacclaimed 1944 film as a "classic" prior to its home-video release Tuesday, once... more»
Third Knocked-Over Glass Of Water Makes Man Want To Give Up

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | News In Brief

VANCOUVER, WA—A third spilled beverage in less than six hours made Dan Drayton want to give up and crawl back into bed Monday. "God, I'm pathetic,"... more»
80 Percent of U.S. Populace Now Selling Handmade Jewelry

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Department Of Labor report released Monday, four out of five Americans derive at least a portion of their income from... more»
Stunned Nation Mourns As French Stewart Survives Plane Crash

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | News In Brief

VIRGIN ISLANDS—Across the nation, Americans are reacting with shock and grief to the survival of 3rd Rock From The Sun star French Stewart,... more»
Cheer Introduces New Higher-Priced Cheer

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | News In Photos
Sounds Of Air Hockey Coming From Supreme Court Chambers

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | News In Photos
Oh, Girls Are No Good At Genocide

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | Commentary

I hate being a girl. It totally stinks. Boys are better at everything. In gym class, whenever we divide up into boys against girls, the boys always... more»
Don't Run Away, I'm Not The Flesh-Eating Kind Of Zombie

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | Commentary

In the shadows of blackest night, I lie in wait. Then, at long last, I hear that soft footstep, that clattering of hooves on the rough-hewn... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 5, 2001

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | Horoscopes

Despite your repeated entreaties, no one seems willing to take your wife. Perhaps you should consider adding the word "please" to your... more»
The Euro Is Unveiled

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | Infographic

Last week, Europeans got a chance to see their new currrency. What are some of the Euro's features? more»
Top Jack Nicholson Sexual Positions

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | Statshot
The Dress-Code Crackdown

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | What Do You Think?

Across the U.S., high schools are banning low-rise jeans, midriff-baring tops, and other skimpy articles of clothing. What do you think about... more»
Choosing A Family Pet

issue 3731 | 09.05.01 | Tips

A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a... more»