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September 12, 2001 - September 18, 2001 | Issue 37•32

Toaster-Instruction Booklet Author Enraged That Editor Betrayed His Vision

TOWSON, MD—Consolidated Concepts copywriter Ronald Leff announced Monday that his vision for the Black & Decker Electronic Toast-R-Oven™ Broiler instruction booklet was "thoroughly betrayed" in the final editing process. altered the entire thrust and focus of my operating instructions," said a seething Leff, 31, upon...

Congressman Admits To Sexual Relationship

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—After months of fevered speculation and allegations in the media regarding his private life, U.S. Rep. Gordon Graham (D-IL) finally... more»
Expanding Universe Could Allow For More Than 750 Quadrillion Blockbuster Locations

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | News

DALLAS—The 750 quadrillion stores will give customers unprecedented access to movie rentals during their diaspora into deep space. more»
Eldercare Residents Long For Agonizing 'Funtime' To End

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | News

MIDDLESEX, CT—Staring at the rec-room clock Monday, Herman Oster and 23 of his fellow Eldercare Nursing Home residents waited for the day's... more»
Bill Gates Finally Getting Into Radiohead's Kid A

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | News In Brief

REDMOND, WA— Eleven months after purchasing the Radiohead album, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced Monday that he is "finally getting into... more»
Sci-Fi Fans Argue The Better Of Two As-Yet-Unreleased Films

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | News In Brief

TULSA, OK— Science-fiction fans Pete Carver and Matthew Wynne disagreed sharply Monday on the relative merits of Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's... more»
Manager Fails To Keep It Short Or Sweet

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | News In Brief

ADA, OH— Despite his promise, Sbarro manager Bruce Hart failed to keep his talk regarding proper straw-receptacle-refill protocol short or sweet.... more»
Sales Of Guys Gone Wild Video Disappointing

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | News In Photos
That Sucker Jesus Has Forgiven Me For Some Pretty Bad Sins

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | Commentary

I've done my Bible reading, and I've come up with a pretty startling conclusion about Jesus: That guy was a total sap! more»
True A.R. Bruthas Don't Take No Layba Day Off

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | Columnists

Ay yo, wassup, Gs? If y'all aksed me what paradise wuz to tha H-Dog, I'd say it be three things: customas payin' they accountz on time without me... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 12, 2001

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | Horoscopes

You will receive frightening news regarding the U.N.'s Council For The Prevention Of Nuclear Terrorism. For one thing, it doesn't exist. more»
Signs Of The Slump

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | Infographic

With layoffs up, and stocks and consumer confidence down, the U.S. economy is in its worst shape in years. What are some other signs of the downturn? more»
Top Pet-Tombstone Epitaphs

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | Statshot
Legalizing Mexican Labor

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | What Do You Think?

Last week, President Bush promised illegal Mexican immigrants a worker program to legalize their labor in the U.S., but not blanket amnesty. What do... more»
Good-Citizenship Tips

issue 3732 | 09.12.01 | Tips

Though some take it for granted, U.S. citizenship comes with certain responsibilities. more»