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September 26, 2001 - October 2, 2001 | Issue 37•34

God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday. ..

U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a televised address to the American people Tuesday, a determined President Bush vowed that the U.S. would defeat "whoever exactly... more»
American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | News

NEW YORK—In the two weeks since terrorists crashed hijacked planes into the World Trade Center and Pentagon, American life has come to resemble... more»
Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | News

JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise... more»
Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | News

TOPEKA, KS—Feeling helpless in the wake of the horrible Sept. 11 terrorist attacks that killed thousands, Christine Pearson baked a cake and... more»
Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | News In Brief

MIDLAND, TX—Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at... more»
Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Nearly two weeks after the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, the makers of Dinty Moore beef stew finally weighed in on the... more»
Report: Gen X Irony, Cynicism May Be Permanently Obsolete

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—According to Generation X sources, the recent attack on America may have rendered cynicism and irony permanently obsolete. "Remember the... more»
President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation's Ballad Singers

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the... more»
Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | News In Brief

ROYAL OAK, MI—Eddie Bahri, 8, a Lincoln Elementary School third-grader of Iraqi descent, tearfully denied accusations during morning recess Tuesday... more»
Hugging Up 76,000 Percent

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | News In Photos
Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick Or What?

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | News In Photos
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage vs. We Must Retaliate With Measured, Focused Rage

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | Point-Counterpoint

On Sept.11, 2001, America was hit by an unprecedented attack on its shores. The devastation and loss of life is incalculable. It is clear to me, as... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | Horoscopes

Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro,causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or... more»
Making America Safer

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | Infographic

In the wake of Sept. 11 tragedy, new security measures are being enacted across the U.S. Among the changes: more»
How Have We Spent The Past Two Weeks

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | Statshot
What Now?

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | What Do You Think?

Two weeks after the worst attack ever on American soil, the U.S. military is pondering its response options. What do you think should be done? more»
Talking To Your Child About The WTC Attack

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | Tips

The events of Sept. 11 are extremely difficult for a child to understand. What should you tell your child when he or she asks why this happened?... more»
On TV Tonight

issue 3734 | 09.26.01 | On TV Tonight

8:00 9:00 10:00 NETWORK ABC Attack On America America Attacked America In Crisis America Still In Crisis NBC A Nation Looks Around For Someone To Hit America On The Verge Of Flying Off The Handle America's Time Of Trial: Who Fucking Wants Some? You? Do You? How 'Bout You? CBS Dan Rather's 83rd Straight Hour On The Air Dan Rather Seriously Loses His Shit Medicating Dan Rather CABLE BET Wartime At The Apollow Tavis Smiley Presents: Terrorists Strike America—The White Man Finds Somebody Else To Fear And Demonize For A Change MTV The 100 Greatest, But, In Light Of Recent Events, Not As Important As Being Good To Our Loved Ones, Videos Of All Time You! MTV Extends Its Condolences Talking To Blink 182 About The Tragedy Carson Daly In Way Over His Head Lifetime Golden Girls Golden Girls Golden Girls Golden Girls Golden Girls Golden Girls History Last Tuesday In History Two Weeks Ago, As Told By Those Who Lived It Last Tuesday In History (rerun) Nickelodeon Clarissa Explains The Attack On America SpongeJohn SquareAshcroft Rugrats Rising AnimalPlanet Sharks: Terrorists Of The Sea The Noble American Eagle: Long May She Fly Fuck Everything, Here's Some Zebra Footage PublicAccess Patriotism How-To With Rainbow Steve Oh, Shit, Man... Oh, Shit Attack On America: Live Drum-Circle Coverage From Peace Park Extremely Uninformed Debate