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October 3, 2001 - October 9, 2001 | Issue 37•35

Coca-Cola Introduces Coke Mandatory

ATLANTA—At a press conference Monday, the Coca-Cola company unveiled Coke Mandatory, a new version of its signature soft drink "as refreshing as it is obligatory." "Yes, Coke has done it again," said Gerald Hasworth, Coca-Cola vice-president of product development. "We've taken the classic taste the whole world knows and loves and made it so irresistible, you won't be...

A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | News

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Were this an ordinary Tuesday night, Wendy Vance would return home from her receptionist job at a Springfield chiropractor's office... more»
Security Beefed Up At Cedar Rapids Public Library

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | News

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—In the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, the Cedar Rapids Public Library is... more»
Closeted Father Lives Vicariously Through Gay Son

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | News

BOSTON—Having hidden in the closet his entire life, homosexual Neil Pivarnik, 47, lives vicariously through his openly gay son Jeff. more»
Area Man Uses WTC Attack As Excuse To Call Ex-Girlfriend

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | News In Brief

DAYTON, OH—Despite being deeply shaken by the tragedy, Dayton resident Dan Marchand used the World Trade Center attack as an excuse to phone... more»
Sales Of Chamomile Tea, Gas Masks Up Sharply

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to the latest consumer-index figures from the Commerce Department, sales of chamomile tea and gas masks have shot up more... more»
Network Programming Dominated By Surreality TV

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—A new "surreality TV" trend has been sweeping network programming in recent weeks, Daily Variety reported Monday. "Not content... more»
U.S. Urges Bin Laden To Form Nation It Can Attack

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Speaking via closed-circuit television from the Oval Office Monday, President Bush made a direct plea to Osama bin Laden to form a... more»
Little Tobacco Hit With $3.5 Hundred Lawsuit

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | News In Brief

DETROIT—Buckhead Tobacco Inc., makers of Hamtramck Smooths and Eastpoint cigarettes, and three other small tobacco manufacturers braced for a... more»
Greenland Thinks It Looks Fat In Mercator Projection

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | News In Photos

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Gas-Station Employee Gives 109 9/10ths Percent

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | News In Photos
I Insist You Borrow This Terrible Book And Tell Me How Much You Liked It

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | Commentary

I know you love to read, and I think I have something you'll really, really dislike. I just finished this book called Dog Days, by J. Phillip... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: Outdoor Advertising Is A Blight On Our Society vs. I Just Wanted To Tell The Nice People About The Yogurt

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | Point-Counterpoint

"The land of the free and the home of the brave"? More like the land of the Stay Free maxipad and the home of the Whopper. America may be blessed... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 3, 2001

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | Horoscopes

You will find yourself in a bizarre alternate universe where the sun is on the wrong side of the sky and everyone looks like they're sleepwalking... more»
The Return of Michael Jordan

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | Infographic

Ending months of speculation, Michael Jordan announced last week that he is returning to the NBA. How are Americans reacting to the news? more»
What Are We Titling Our Masters Thesis?

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | Statshot
Arming Our Pilots

issue 3735 | 10.03.01 | What Do You Think?

The Airline Pilots Association recently proposed that pilots be allowed to carry handguns to defend their cockpits. What do you think? more»