Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 24, 2001 - October 30, 2001 | Issue 37•38

Downtown McDonald's Perpetually A Hairsbreadth From Complete Anarchy

OAKLAND, CA—McDonald's franchise #4793, located on the corner of 12th and Franklin in downtown Oakland, perpetually teeters on the brink of anarchy, store patrons reported Monday. "I stopped in there this afternoon, and there's garbage all over the floor, half-dressed kids are running around throwing things, and everyone is screaming at each other," said Meredith...

Privileged Children Of Millionaires Square Off On World Stage

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly two weeks of heavy, sustained air strikes, President Bush made final preparations Monday for a full-scale U.S. ground... more»
Just Shoot Me Writer Assumes Everyone He Meets Watches Just Shoot Me

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | News

LOS ANGELES—Andy Kaminowitz, 31, a staff writer for the popular Thursday-night NBC sitcom Just Shoot Me, operates under the assumption that... more»
Thin, Attractive Woman Accepted For Who She Is

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | News

DALLAS—In a world too often filled with hatred and intolerance toward those who are different, 23-year-old Kristin Petrie is accepted for who she... more»
Tom Clancy Treated Like He's Some Kind Of Terrorism Expert

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC— Tom Clancy, bestselling author of such military thrillers as The Hunt For Red October and Patriot Games, is being... more»
Mom Uses Full Name To Refer To Bisquick Impossibly Easy Cheeseburger Pie™

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | News In Brief

HICKORY, NC— Inviting her family to dig in to dinner Monday, Donna Furness, 41, referred to the meal by its full, trademarked name. "Who's ready... more»
Area Man Switches To Backup Lie

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | News In Brief

AURORA, CO— At the last possible moment, area resident Gordon Kanner aborted his planned avenue of untruth, turning instead to a backup lie to... more»
Michael Jordan Not Exactly Sure What Product He Just Filmed Commercial For

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES— Minutes after completing a commercial shoot Monday, NBA legend Michael Jordan reported being unable to recall what product he... more»
Nation's Grandmas Halt Production Of Afghan Blankets

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC— In a show of support for the U.S., the nation's grandmas announced plans Monday to stop knitting afghan blankets. "We must do our... more»
Plant Dead Because Of You

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | News In Photos
Now More Than Ever, Humanity Needs My Back To The Future Fan Fiction

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | Columnists

We, as a nation, have suffered. Wounded and confused, we wonder whether life will ever be the same again. But for all our pain, we can heal, if each... more»
It's Finally The Good Life For Jim Anchower

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. What gives? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been all sorts of craziness going on. Like, first off,... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 24, 2001

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | Horoscopes

You will meet a dark-haired stranger next week. Actually, you'll meet several, but only one of them is important for our purposes. more»
Weathering The Storm

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | Infographic

The U.S. economy has staggered in the wake of the Sept. 11 attacks, but a few companies are thriving. Among them: more»
What Did We Forget To Ask The Doctor?

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | Statshot
What's Up, Dick?

issue 3738 | 10.24.01 | What Do You Think?

Vice-President Cheney has spent much of the past several weeks hidden from public view in a secret location, prompting rumors about his status. What... more»