Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 31, 2001 - November 6, 2001 | Issue 37•39

Awkward Farewells Exchanged On Disliked Coworker's Last Day

NEW BRITAIN, CT—Paula Mooney, 29, a not particularly popular Sentinel Savings & Loan mortgage underwriter, was the recipient of awkward goodbyes from coworkers Monday, her last day with the company. Mooney, who in two and a half years with Sentinel "never quite hit it off with the gang," was given a polite but emotionless going-away party near her workspace....

Gore Delivers Emergency Presidential Address Into Bathroom Mirror

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | News

CARTHAGE, TN—Urging national resolve during this time of crisis, Al Gore addressed his reflection Tuesday morning. more»
Teen Who Just Discovered Led Zeppelin Starting To Piss Off Friends

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | News

GURNEE, IL—Mark Campa, 16, who has listened to and talked about Led Zeppelin almost exclusively since discovering the '70s rock group over the... more»
Restaurant Turns Out To Be Spanish, Not Mexican

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | News

SCRANTON, PA—Bob and Debra Mangurten expressed confusion and frustration Monday, when the restaurant Don Quixote turned out to be Spanish, not... more»
Family Now Openly Wondering When Grandma Will Die

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | News In Brief

ATHENS, GA—After years of silent speculation, Trotter family members openly wondered Monday when ailing family matriarch Helen Trotter would die.... more»
Parents Regret Letting Child Name Dog

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | News In Brief

MANKATO, MN—Bruce and Gail Kreuter expressed regret Monday over their decision to let their 8-year-old son Brian choose the name of the family's... more»
School Principal Pauses For Applause That Never Comes

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | News In Brief

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—During a speech before Medford Middle School students Tuesday, principal Arthur Morehouse paused for applause that never came. "So... more»
CIA Admits It's Good At Overthrowing Stuff, Not So Much The Intelligence

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | News In Brief

LANGLEY, VA—Central Intelligence Agency director George Tenet conceded Monday that the organization excels at overthrowing foreign governments but... more»
Terrorism Storylines Being Added To TV Shows As Quickly As They Were Dropped

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Less than two months after frantically excising any allusions to terrorism, network executives are scrambling to add terror-related... more»
Hank Williams Jr. Honored By Institute For Football Preparedness

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | News In Photos

more»
House Haunted By Elks Club Members

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | News In Photos
Hang In There! You Live In The Richest Nation In The World!

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | Commentary

Ever have "one of those days"? You know the kind: The boss is screaming, "I want it yesterday!," the kids have the flu, and your hair is sticking up... more»
This Marriage-Counseling Scam Is A Real Moneymaker

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | Commentary

There's a sucker born every minute, and as a National Board For Certified Counselors-licensed marriage counselor, I know that better than anyone. For... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | Horoscopes

Reviews will claim you have "reinvented the coming-of-age story" and "singlehandedly raised the bar for first novels," but you... more»
Increasing NYC Tourism

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | Infographic

New York has suffered a sharp decline in tourism since Sept. 11. What is the city doing to attract visitors? more»
Top Halloween Costumes, Women 18-34

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | Statshot
Fear Of Mail

issue 3739 | 10.31.01 | What Do You Think?

The U.S. Postal Service has emerged as the primary means of spreading anthrax, sparking fear among mail carriers and millions of Americans. What do... more»