Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 7, 2001 - November 13, 2001 | Issue 37•40

Model-Train Hobby Becomes Model-Train Habit

BILLINGS, MT—Though he insists he can handle it, Leon Gehr's model-train pastime has crossed the line from hobby to habit, Gehr family sources reported Monday. "Leon just isn't the same person anymore," said Penny Gehr, 48, Leon's wife of 21 years. "All he ever thinks about is where he's going to get his next few feet of nickel silver snap-together track. It's...

70 Percent Of World's Population Could Use All-Star Benefit Concert

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | News

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—According to a study released Monday by the United Nations Economic and Social Council, 4.2 billion people—a full 70 percent... more»
Area Man Acts Like He's Been Interested In Afghanistan All Along

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | News

LEXINGTON, KY—According to friends and colleagues, for nearly two months now, Michael Schloegel has been acting like he was interested in... more»
Woman Has Perfect Clip Art For Party Invitation

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | News

CHILLICOTHE, MO—Irene Smalls, 45, an office manager at Riverside Property Management, announced Monday that she has found the "perfect clip art"... more»
Flood Of Cheap Afghan Heroin To Arrive Just In Time For Recession

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The nation's smack addicts received welcome news Monday, when The Wall Street Journal reported that the war in Afghanistan has... more»
Actor's Parents Proud He's Playing A Doctor

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | News In Brief

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Gail and Milt Greenblatt, parents of soap-opera star Brett Green, are beaming with pride that their son is a doctor on ABC's All... more»
JCPenney Abandons 45-Second Sale

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | News In Brief

PLANO, TX—JCPenney announced Monday that it is discontinuing its "45-Second Sale," in which all store items are 60 percent off from 1:00:00... more»
Weird Coworker Apparently Likes Walking Two Miles To Work Every Day

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | News In Brief

SACRAMENTO, CA—Despite owning a car and receiving frequent offers of rides from coworkers, State Farm Insurance claims adjuster Jonathan Kiel... more»
Olive Garden Voted Best Italian Restaurant In Annual Milwaukee Magazine Awards

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | News In Brief

MILWAUKEE, WI—For the second straight year, Olive Garden took top honors in the "Best Italian Restaurant" category in Milwaukee Magazine's... more»
Lara Flynn Boyle's Publicist Warns Interviewer Upfront

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | News In Photos
KFC Responds To Stockpiling Trend With 576-Piece Bucket

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | News In Photos
If I Don't Get My Medium-Rare Shell Steak With Roasted Vegetables In The Next 10 Minutes, The Terrorists Have Already Won

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | Commentary

Waitress, I realize you're very busy and, no doubt, you have a lot on your mind. God knows, everyone does these days. But what this country needs... more»
I'm No Tali-fan!

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | Columnists

Item! Terrorism has hit these shores, and I for one am ready to put my foot down and say enough! I don't care if I become a target for... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 7, 2001

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | Horoscopes

Life is just a big joke to you, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the one about the chicken crossing the road. more»
Oprah Makes A Correction

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | Infographic

Oprah Winfrey recently withdrew her selection of Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections for her book club. What did Franzen do to get dropped? more»
Worst Excuses For Needing Hug

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | Statshot
Ashcroft's Vague Warnings

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | What Do You Think?

U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft has issued several vague warnings of "credible threats" of terrorism, urging Americans to stay on alert. What do... more»
Choosing A Health Club

issue 3740 | 11.07.01 | Tips

Health clubs are a great way to get in shape, but not every club is right for every person. Here are some tips to help you find the one that best... more»