Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 28, 2001 - December 4, 2001 | Issue 37•43

Man Dies After Long And Painful Battle With Life

LEWISTOWN, MT—Gerald Carruthers, a retired insurance agent and father of three, died Monday at 77 following a long and painful battle with life. "Thank God it's finally over," said Maria Heupel, 53, his eldest daughter. "He was in such terrible pain those last 70 or so years. You could just see it eating away at him from within. By the end, he was just a hollow,...

Third-Grade Scientists Successfully Vaporize Water

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | News

GRESHAM, OR—In a breakthrough that has electrified the world's 10-and-under scientific community, Mrs. Wagner's third-grade class successfully... more»
Report: Economically Disadvantaged Men More Skilled At Communicating Attraction To Women

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | News

BOSTON—According to a Boston University study released Monday, men from lower-income backgrounds are significantly more skilled at communicating... more»
Breakup Put Off Until Bioterrorism Scare Is Over

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | News

NEW CASTLE, PA—Shaken and needing companionship in this time of national crisis, Jordan Rosling, 26, announced Monday that he has decided to... more»
New Harry Potter Film Turns Children On To Magic Of Not Reading

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Around the world, children are being turned on to the magic of not reading by the blockbuster film Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's... more»
Security Guard Can't Afford To Relax For So Much As Six Hours

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | News In Brief

LAKELAND, FL—Mel King, the night security guard at 2300 Office Park Drive, can't afford to let his guard down for even six hours, the 47-year-old... more»
Drug Addict Looking For More Enabling Girlfriend

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—After breaking up with girlfriend Karen Guglia last week, cocaine addict Rob Everson, 26, announced that he is looking for a more... more»
Mad Lib Filled With Swears

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | News In Brief

PORTLAND, ME—The popular party amusement Mad Libs was misused for profane purposes Monday, when Peter Leff, a Portland-area 12-year-old, filled the... more»
Headphones-Wearing Pedestrian Loudly Proclaims Iron Man Status

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—Local resident James Gaines loudly proclaimed his Iron Man status Monday while walking down Hennepin Avenue wearing a Sony Discman. "I... more»
'Expect Delays' Signs Placed Randomly Throughout Nation

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Expanding upon the already omnipresent signage at airports and on highways, the government has posted more than 150 million "Expect... more»
90 Percent Of Americans Now Wearing Laminated ID Badges

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | News In Photos
Lesbian Hen Enjoying Hen House

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | News In Photos
Ah, The Beauty Of The Fall TV Season

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | Commentary

Is there anything that compares to the majesty of the fall TV season? more»
A Purr-fect Tale!

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | Columnists

This past January, one of my New Year's resolutions was to quit procrastinating so darn much. As for living up to the resolution, well, let's just... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | Horoscopes

Your new romantic partner will turn out to be the best thing ever to happen to you. Please notice that we said "thing," not... more»
Reality TV On The Decline

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | Infographic

After nearly two years of ratings success, reality TV programs are losing out to traditional sitcoms and dramas. Why? more»
Top Rumors About Tom Cruise

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | Statshot
Sept. 11 Charities Under Fire

issue 3743 | 11.28.01 | What Do You Think?

The Red Cross and other aid groups are under fire for giving only a portion of the billions that have poured in since Sept. 11 to the attacks'... more»