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January 16, 2002 - January 22, 2002 | Issue 38•01

Black Gospel Choir Makes Man Wish He Believed In All That God Bullshit

COLUMBUS, OH—The gloriously jubilant gospel singing that pours forth each Sunday from Bethel African Methodist Episcopal Church is enough to make local resident Doug Kamin wish he believed in all that God bullshit. Kamin, who lives two blocks from Bethel AME Church, passes the church most Sundays en route to his local Starbucks. Though he has rejected the existence of...

Area Man Not Exactly Sure When To Take Down American Flags

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | News

UTICA, NY—After more than four months of proudly displaying American flags on his car, home, and body, 47-year-old computer consultant Jerry Wenger... more»
Peppy U.S. Teens Vow To Make This The Best Year Ever

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—At a pep rally Monday on the National Mall, a coalition of enthusiastic U.S. teens vowed to make 2002 the "best year ever." more»
Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | News

HASAKE, SYRIA—When archaeologist Edward Whitson joined a Penn State University dig in Hasake last year, he did so to participate in the excavation... more»
Manufacturer Manufactures Love To Wife

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | News In Brief

WILMINGTON, DE—In an efficient and deeply meaningful act of sexual expression, eraser manufacturer Ted Wyczinski manufactured sweet love to his... more»
WHO Pushes For More 'Ouchless' Adhesive Funding

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas... more»
The Thinkable Happens To Local Man

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | News In Brief

OLATHE, KS—The thinkable happened to area resident Bruce Conroy, 44, Monday, when the newspaper he was carrying fell out of his hand. "I can... more»
Bush Attempts To Distance Self From Yet Another Failed Business

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas... more»
Opening Band Upstaged By Pre-Show Music

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—The Vic Taybacks, opening for Superchunk at 400 Bar Tuesday, were upstaged by the pre-show music on the venue's sound system. "While we... more»
Ted Danson Tries To Steer Interview Back Toward Becker

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—During an interview Monday with CBS affiliate WBBM-TV, actor Ted Danson made repeated efforts to steer the conversation back toward his... more»
Speed Stick Now Available In Neapolitan

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | News In Photos
Space Shuttle Endeavour: What's In It For Me?

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | News In Photos
I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | Commentary

When it comes to scoring with the ladies, I'm no slouch. In the past two weeks alone, there's been Nikki the legal secretary, Stephanie the cocktail... more»
The Lord Of The Rings Is Hobbit-Forming!

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | Columnists

Happy 2002! Whew, I'm glad we can put 2001 behind us with all that terrorism. It's a New Year, and already the grapevine is buzzing with... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 16, 2002

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | Horoscopes

Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole. more»
The New iMac

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | Infographic

Amid much fanfare, Apple's new iMac was unveiled last week. Among its notable features: more»
What Pornogrphy Are We Avoiding?

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | Statshot
China's Nuclear Buildup

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | What Do You Think?

According to a new CIA report, China is expected to have as many as 100 long-range nuclear missiles aimed at the U.S. by 2015. What do you... more»
Dating Tips

issue 3801 | 01.16.02 | Tips

The dating world can be a bewildering place. Here are some tips to help you navigate the perilous waters of love: more»