Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 30, 2002 - February 5, 2002 | Issue 38•03

Waitress Punished For Sins Of The World

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Smitty's Family Restaurant customers have found in waitress Jennifer Marsh a handy scapegoat for the sins of the world, sources reported Tuesday. "Get it right this time," corporate attorney Paula Hinton told Marsh, taking out years of deep dissatisfaction on the waitress. "I have to be at work by 9, and I'm not about to be late because of...

Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A U.S. judge ruled that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him to break up into smaller deities. more»
Nation Welcomes Return Of Good Old-Fashioned Partisan Bickering

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Across the nation, Americans are heartened to see that after nearly five months of unity and cooperation, petty, partisan bickering... more»
Lesbian Identity Ends Abruptly Mid-Junior Year

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | News

OBERLIN, OH—Three semesters after adopting the sexual identity, Amanda Oppel decided lesbianism just wasn't for her. more»
Magazine Says You Have Sex And The City Fever

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—According to the new issue of Us magazine, you, like the rest of the nation, are caught up in Sex And The City fever.... more»
Comeback Much Harsher Than Insult

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | News In Brief

MANKATO, MN—A gentle prod elicited a disproportionately harsh retort Monday, when office wag Kenneth Adamle was loudly told by coworker Bryan Lemon... more»
ER Doctor Secretly Thinks Of Self As Ward's George Clooney

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | News In Brief

KANSAS CITY, MO—Dr. Andrew Lassiter, a St. Luke's Medical Center emergency-room physician, secretly regards himself as the hospital's real-life... more»
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Described To Sioux City Relatives

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | News In Brief

FL, attempted to convey the taste, texture, and general deliciousness of Krispy Kreme doughnuts to their Sioux City relatives. "They're doughnuts,... more»
French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | News In Brief

FRANKFORT, KY—Jenny Block, a Crestwood High School ninth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher Madame Shapiro about a fire in the girls'... more»
Stack Of Unread New Yorkers Celebrates One-Year Anniversary

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | News In Photos
David Allan Coe Waiting Outside To Kick Your Ass

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | News In Photos
I Think I'll Pay Way Too Much For Quality Fashion Eyewear

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | Commentary

When shopping for eyewear, I want a full range of all the latest styles from all the top designers. I want to see great-looking frames from big names... more»
Take This Job And Love It

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | Columnists

Yo, yo, yo, H-Dog is back in tha house, all-new an' luvvin' tha boos in tha '02, know what I'm sayin'? First off, big upz to tha whole Midstate... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 30, 2002

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | Horoscopes

Upcoming events will give you insight into the origin of the phrases "hog-tied," "beaten like a red-headed stepchild," and,... more»
Super Bowl Halftime Shows

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | Infographic

Through the years, the Super Bowl halftime show has been as much of a reason to tune in as the game itslef. Among the highlights: more»
Where Is The Olympic Torch This Week?

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | Statshot
The Enron Scandal

issue 3803 | 01.30.02 | What Do You Think?

Enron, which went bankrupt amid charges of document shredding, shady accounting, and executive greed, is the subject of a House hearing. What do... more»