Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 13, 2002 - February 19, 2002 | Issue 38•05

Actors Decide To Go On With Sitcom Despite Cancellation

BURBANK, CA—Showing the heart and determination that was their show's hallmark throughout its 13-week run, the stars of NBC's Stop The Presses have decided to go on with the series despite its Feb. 5 cancellation. "I think all the pieces were in place to make this show a big hit," said Troy Drake, who played Stan "Big Sticks" Hatch, a former pro-hockey player...

Holocaust Museum Cashier Has Yet Another Depressing Day

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Alyssa Kaplan, 20, endured one more in a seemingly endless string of soul-crushing workdays. more»
GE Ad Trumpets Company's Government-Ordered Environmental Cleanup

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | News

PITTSFIELD, MA—A new television commercial from General Electric, unveiled Tuesday, proudly trumpets the company's federally mandated cleanup of a... more»
Semester Abroad Spent Drinking With Other American Students

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | News

SEVILLE, SPAIN—Junior John Blevins has met new and exotic drinking buddies from the University of Miami. more»
Senate Subcommittee On Energy And Water Development More Like A Family

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC— Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM), ranking Republican on the Senate Subcommittee on Energy and Water Development, revealed Monday that the... more»
Vanquished Foe's Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | News In Brief

DEATH MOUNTAIN— The skull of Wynric Lance, failed claimant to the throne of Eirea, does not make as good a wine goblet as Lord Shryke had imagined,... more»
Woman Who Claims Book Changed Her Life Has Not Changed

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | News In Brief

MEMPHIS, TN— Despite claims that Bruce Wilkinson's The Prayer Of Jabez: Breaking Through To The Blessed Life, "totally changed [her]... more»
Valentine's Day Coming A Little Early In Relationship

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | News In Brief

MONROE, MI— Area resident Todd Munde, who has been dating Lisa Watros for the past three weeks, lamented Monday that Valentine's Day is coming a... more»
Moviegoer Can Already See Where Commercials Will Go

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | News In Brief

MILTON, MA— Twenty minutes into a screening of Disney's Snow Dogs Monday, moviegoer Ryan Friesen announced that he can already tell where... more»
Smiling Willie Nelson Reflects On A Lifetime Of Weed And Women

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | News In Brief

LUCK , TX— Taking a long, slow drag off a joint, country-music legend Willie Nelson reflected on a lifetime of weed and women Monday. "I've had... more»
Minnie Driver Optioned By Harrison Ford

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | News In Photos
18,000 Sports Fans Doing Whatever Dancing Fluorescent Chicken Tells Them

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | News In Photos

more»
When You Are Ready To Have A Serious Conversation About Green Lantern, You Have My E-Mail Address

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | Columnists

I consider you a friend, Douglas. Together, we have shared many adventures, from waiting in line for the Star Wars: Episode I premiere to... more»
Incurable Romantic? Guilty As Charged!

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | Columnists

Next to Christmas, my favorite holiday has to be Valentine's Day. In fact, I just got done decorating the windows of our apartment with teeny hearts... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 13, 2002

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | Horoscopes

Your heart will be shattered by a beautiful scientist who removes it from your body, dips it in liquid nitrogen, and drops it to the ground. more»
The New Dating Shows

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | Infographic

From Blind Date to Dismissed to The Fifth Wheel, a new wave of dating shows is sweeping the airwaves. Why are people watching? more»
What Artwork Is Adorning Our Walls?

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | Statshot
The Defense Budget

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | What Do You Think?

President Bush's proposed $379 billion defense budget would be the largest increase in two decades. What do you think? more»
Planning A Dinner Party

issue 3805 | 02.13.02 | Tips

Here are some helpful hints to make your next dinner party a smashing success: more»