Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 20, 2002 - February 26, 2002 | Issue 38•06

Work Friends Not Mingling With Other Friends

CHICAGO—Following a party celebrating her 26th birthday Saturday, a disappointed Kristin Thennes reported that her friends from work failed to mingle with her other friends. "I was really hoping that my work friends would hit it off with everybody else," said Thennes, a budget administrator at Loyola University Medical School. "But the six of them just sort of kept to...

Americans Would Be Outraged If They Understood Enron Collapse

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | News

HOUSTON—According to an independent report released Monday, Americans would be outraged if they had a basic grasp of the details of the Enron... more»
18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | News

PESHTIGO, WI—In a miracle that defies statistical probability, Corey Muntner, 18, reported Monday that he found his soulmate, Tammy Gaska, right in... more»
Women's Olympic Bobsled Team Hopes To Inspire Young Girls To Bobsled

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | News

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Olympic bobsledders Jean Racine and Gea Johnson have two major goals for the Salt Lake City Games. The first is to win the gold... more»
Man's Dream To Get Drunk In An A-Frame Finally Realized

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | News In Brief

GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO— Pete Strausbaugh, 33, a Denver-area electrician, realized a longtime dream Saturday when he got drunk in an A-frame house.... more»
Conrad Bain Steps Down As National Kitsch-Reference Laureate

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC— Actor Conrad Bain, known to millions as Philip Drummond on the hit '70s sitcom Diff'rent Strokes, stepped down Monday from... more»
Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | News In Brief

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT— A fraction of a second after wiping out on a patch of ice, South Burlington pedestrian Isaac Berkman loudly insisted that he... more»
Dog Keeps Iceland Awake All Night

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | News In Brief

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND— The nation of Iceland was tired and cranky Monday after being kept up all night by a howling dog. "People were complaining as... more»
New Bin Laden Tape Contains Three Previously Unreleased Monologues

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | News In Brief

ATLANTA— A new Osama bin Laden videotape acquired by CNN from Al-Jazeera features three previously unreleased anti-U.S. rants and harangues by the... more»
Israeli High-School Students Hoping Suicide Bombing Postpones Exam

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | News In Photos

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Now That's What I Call Shitty Music 8 Tops Album Charts

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | News In Photos
That Trip To Canada Really Broadened My Horizons

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | Commentary

It's sad, but some people don't realize what a big world it is. They don't see how much there is to learn from other cultures. more»
This $29 Will Feed My Family Or Put A Pittsburgh Steelers Cap On My Head

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | Commentary

Man, there's that Steelers cap I've had my eye on. We're talking the real deal here, an official NFL Pro Line sideline cap—the exact one Coach... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 20, 2002

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | Horoscopes

Those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this week you and your trusty Scout knife are going to prove them wrong. more»
Chat-Room Shorthand

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | Infographic

From LOL (Laugh Out Loud) ro BRB (be Right Back), Internet chat rooms hav a shorthand all their own. Among the most popular abbreviations: more»
Worst-Selling Maps

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | Statshot
The Axis Of Evil

issue 3806 | 02.20.02 | What Do You Think?

President Bush's State of the Union pronouncement that North Korea, Iran, and Iraq represent an "Axis of Evil" continues to spark debate. What do... more»